Shattered Soul
by Silverblacktears
Summary: Sometimes, we just refuse to be helped.
1. The Note

Shattered Soul

Author: Pilotslover

Disclaimer: All characters that are recognisable are property of their creators, the good folks who made FF IX. Thank you people for creating the characters! New characters, and what's going on, are mine.

Rating: Ack, I hate ratings, by the BBFC (British board of Film classification) this'd be a 15. However, such a rating is not available, so I've no idea at all.

Chapter one - The note

Authors note: I really can't justify what I've done this time, sorry.

Warning: This fic deals with suicide. I didn't want to put this on the start but sometimes it needs be done.

-

'Lost from within,

Pursuing the End,

I fight for the chance to be lied to again.'

- Lies - Evanesence

-

I've watched all of my children die, but three years after I gave them life.

Life, it seems like a shadow, an illusion, a dream that someone else is having! Death in comparison seems to be so stable, so secure, so definite. Nothing more then death can happen to you. Life is riddled by insecurities, improbabilities and inconsistencies; but we all know one thing is going to happen, it lingers over peoples shoulders and it never goes away. It is death.

Before my sons died, I didn't used to think like this; my mind was more childish, my way of looking at things was so naive. But, it drifted apart as my sons did the same. There were six of them, each one tearing away a misconception I still had about what stopping was.

Life isn't loving, life isn't happiness and life isn't friendship; life is having those torn around you torn away by something you can't escape, beyond the reach of hope and tears and magic. Each death tears a part of your soul; each extinguished light is a hole in my heart. Life is nothing but death, but tears of grief cried at night to an uncaring, unhearing universe.

But a shadow of a dream.

People curse at death for claiming life, for taking a loved one from them; I yell at life for making us suffer so much pain. Death is a release, a way to avoid the pain of watching others die. People fear death, scared of losing their own lives. I don't fear it, life was given me for one purpose - one I never fulfilled.

You never saw my scars; it took them to show me what I've always wanted to know; them and the scars no one can see. I used to ask how you proved your existence, now I know. Existence, life, isn't proved by being able to move, or by deeds; it's proven only by pain, by unexplainable sorrows. I cut myself and it bleeds, but the wounds I speak of are those in my heart and soul not the empty ones on my skin.

My heart is a puzzle, the pieces are scattered and lost; each new piece removed is like the first one but after each time I go on, hunting down the next hurt like a beast after its prey.

A being can take only so much pain, so much hate and death before it cracks, before the puzzle can no longer be made. I was a child, throwing myself blinding towards truths that would lead to my downfall. A truth that would hurt more then any physical wound.

I'm not blaming any of you. I've reached the end, I can't keep myself going any more; life offers itself to people and they take what they will from it. The simple way to justify this is that I'm not a person like any of you. I'm a collection of souls seeking rest and now that rest will come. I was never a life in my own right, I was never my own unique being, I was an illusion. A being of darkness and of pain, of shattered pieces and half-remembered lies.

My last act will be to leave.

The pain will be fleeting. I go to see my sons and the other mages, to die alone as the last of my kind. I love you all very much but even love can't restore my shattered heart.

Vivi

-

Authors note: Please don't hurt me, please. Originally, this was going to be a one shot but I don't think people would be happy with me if I left it like that. 


	2. Sickening Certainty

Shattered Soul

Chapter two - Sickening certainty

Author - Pilotslover )

Disclaimer - I don't own FF IX, Vivi'd be the main character if I did. I do own the concept, and the names of Vivi's sons, so please ask if you want to use this fic or anything within it.

Response to reviewers -

Shpadoinkle91 - Thank you very much.

Girlygirl023 - Died? Hmm ... yes, that was the end of Vivi's letter, there's still a lot more to be covered.

Gaurdian1 - Thank you so much! You have no idea how much getting a review from you means to me! I love 'Go not Gently', and am in awe of it. So, thanks for working so hard on it, because I can't think of only one other fic that I adored so much; something about Vivi as a Waltz seems so right.

-

The plain white envelope lay on the desk; it was entirely unremarkable and written on the front in Vivi's tidy, small writing was merely 'My companions'. Nothing in the room had changed, the bed was neatly made and the Mace of Zeus was propped against the desk. "Hey Vivi, aren't you coming for - " Zidane's tones were breezy as he burst into the room without knocking; seeing that it was empty he shrugged to himself, thinking Vivi was already on his way to the main dining room.

A flash of white from the desk caught his eye, and he crossed to it to pick it up. A feeling of sickening certainty welled in his chest, as he thought Vivi may have run away, his hands toyed with the envalope for a while before he opened it; this feeling soon merged with sorrow, anxiety and pure fear as he read the letter. "Oh God no," He murmured, "No, no, no." He dashed out of the room, the letter in his hand as he did so.

"Steiner, find Beatrix and meet me in the main dining room!" He ordered as he ran past the knight; shocked, the knight went to salute but dropped the gesture as he started to run the other way.

Breathlessly, Zidane burst into the castle's main dining room; it had been four years since he had run the gauntlet of the Iifa tree's death, now he could just manage the trip from Vivi's room at full tilt. Garnet looked up as he entered; her cheeks held a healthy glow and she looked content and happy. 'This isn't going to please her.' He thought sombrely. "Zidane whatever is the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost." Her tone was slightly teasing, when Zidane had first reached the castle he had been convinced that he had seen a ghost in one of the corridors.

"Garnet," He attempted to go on before shaking his head; concerned by his lack of continuation, Garnet rose awkwardly from her seat, her pregnancy heavy stomach clear as she did so. "You're going to want to sit down," He crossed to her and pulled out the chair for her; she looked increasingly worried as she did as he asked.

"What's wrong Zidane? Where's Vivi?"

She looked past her husband to the door as it burst open, half expecting to see the mage; Steiner and Beatrix stood just inside the door after they closed it behind them. "Geez, this isn't -" Zidane attempted again; unable to say what was really going on he just handed the letter to her before he raised a hand to his forehead and tears began to finally slip from his eyes.

Uncertain about what was in the letter, Garnet felt an acute sense of worry build in her chest as she lowered her gaze to it. As she read, tears glided down her cheeks; one hand went to her mouth as she shook her head. Unable to speak, she motioned for Steiner to take it and read it, before she buried her head in her hands, her elbows rested on the table.

Beatrix read the note from over Steiner's shoulder; she shook her head but did not cry; in the years since the defeat of Necron, the mage had lived in the castle but Beatrix saw very little of him. "We must find him," Steiner insisted, looking towards Zidane for confirmation. "He is not thinking strait." He placed the letter on the table and looked at it, clenching his fist at his side.

"Steiner, he seems to be thinking strait enough," Beatrix attempted from his side, resting a hand on her fellow knight's arm. "This doesn't seem to be something whimsical he's just decided to do out of the blue, he genuinely believes that he cannot live any more." She looked towards Garnet and Zidane who were both still in tears. "Months have passed since the deaths of his sons, however well he seemed to cope with it; he clearly has not accepted it fully."

Zidane looked towards her, "Beatrix, I want you to contact as many of the hero's of Gaia as you can." He ordered as he moved to Garnet's side and hugged her; she gave him a full hug back, crying into his shoulder. "We're going to find him and bring him back." He assured her softly, "I'll drag him by the hat myself if I have too." His gaze went to Beatrix, "On second thoughts, forget about Eiko, make sure you get Cid though. And Tantalus, we've got a whole world to search and not a lot of time to do it by the sound of it."

Beatrix did not move, "Sir, are you sure this is such a good idea?" She queried, "Vivi is very clearly upset, he will not want to return to the same castle that holds so many painful memories for him." Her own memory grasped a moment she remembered all too well from four months before, the last of Vivi's children. "I was there when Valian died sir; it was very far from pleasant."

"Yeah, I know that Beatrix, I was there too, but I can't let him throw his life away like this!"

Realising that he would not be swayed, Beatrix saluted and left. "Steiner, I'll leave Amarant to you, he should be in Treno." He said simply, knowing no one else would be able to find the mercenary. "I want everyone here and ready to search by noon. We're going to be out all night if that's what it'll take." Steiner saluted and left, they heard his footsteps as he ran to the castle's entrance.

"We didn't notice, Zidane." The tearful tones broke into Zidane's own heart; he hated to hear Garnet so upset. "He was dying on the inside and none of us -" She broke off to tears, once again burying her head in his shoulder; he stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.

"We're going to find him, Garnet."

"What if he … he …"

She did not need to continue, Zidane knew what she was trying to say, it was what he feared too. 'What if he's dead already?' His mind posed the question any way, despite Zidane saying he did not want it there. 'What if we do all this and he's already dead?'

-

Time for the hero's to search Gaia for our missing mage, but will they find him? And even if they do will they be in time to save him? Find out in the next chapter 'A hopeless seeming search'. Please leave a review. 


	3. A hopeless Seeming Search

Shattered Soul

Chapter Three - A Desperate seeming Search

Author - Pilotslover )

Disclaimer - I don't own FF IX, Vivi'd be the main character if I did. I do own the concept, and the names of Vivi's sons, so please ask if you want to use this fic or anything within it.

Response to reviewers -

RefugeofSouls - I'm kind of glad that I had the desired affect with that, I wasn't in tears myself and my sister (Having no soul) thought it was funny.

LottiRebel - (Blushes furiously) I wouldn't say it's powerful ... just hyperactive. Thank you very much! Didn't mean to make shoulder demon cry!

ashitaka666 - Thank you! Everyone's sad in this fic, is not a happy story right now.

The Hilda Garde IV was busy with people when it left Alexandria, Zidane stood in front of everyone, his tail flicking behind him in an aggravated fashion. "You all know why you're here," He was saying, there were nods from most people. "I think it's best to work individually, that way we can cover more locations and have more chance of finding him. Beatrix is checking Alexandria as we speak, I'll leave Lindblum in the hands of Cid and Baku."

"Of course," Cid nodded, his face was grave and slightly pale. The news of Vivi's disappearance had struck many of the gathered hard, it were as if something had gone wrong, as if something was wrong in the world.

"Freya, if you take Burmecia, you know it best after all."

"Yes," The knight's answer was tight, as if she were fighting the urge to cry. "And Sir. Fratley will explore Gizamaluke's grotto."

"Marcus, Blank, you take Treno,"

"Sure bro, if he's there, we'll find him." Marcus assured him softly, though he was still trying to picture what Vivi looked like; like the other members of Tantalus it had been some time since he had seen the mage last.

"Steiner, Dali and Ice Carven." Steiner saluted to show his answer. "Ruby, Cinna, can you search Madain Sari? I doubt he'll be there but it's best to check."

"Sure, Darlin', like the boys said, if he's there I'll find him."

"Amarant, Desert palace," The mercenary gave no sign that he had heard, but Zidane knew through experience that he had. The salamander also seemed to be the least affected by everything, but Zidane was starting to wonder if maybe the outside cool was a facade that would melt when Vivi was returned. "Benero, Zenero, Deguerro and Esto Gaza; I don't think he'll be there." The two of the triplets nodded, the final triplet was missing for the group. "Quina, Quan's dwelling," The Qu nodded it's whole body in response. "This leaves me with the Black Mage village,"

"What are we going to do if we find him?" Amarant asked, "From the look of that letter I can't see him coming along quietly."

Zidane shrugged slightly, "If you have to, knock him unconscious." He said, truly determined to get his friend back. "We're not dealing with the same Vivi everyone remembers, we're dealing with a completely different version of him. Whereas before he wouldn't have dreamed of turning his magic on people I get the feeling he'll be slightly less concerned this time." He told them; one of his biggest fears was that he would have to hurt the mage in order to get him back to Alexandria. "All right, everyone knows where they're going, keep in contact by Moogles; if you find any trace of him then send a mog to the airship, they'll come to you at once."

He cast his eyes around the group, each one of them showing mixed degrees of worry and concern, except the ever collected Amarant. No body wanted to face the possibility of a little dead Black Mage, each feeling that maybe something had been wrong when the note had been written. Clutching his fist at his side, Zidane tried to seal his own heart away in a box, not wanting it to be torn to pieces by finding his best friend dead or dying. He shuddered, forcing his heart into the box it did not seem to want to fit into.

Wind whipped across the desert as Amarant stepped from the airship; he was one of the last people to be dropped at his designated site. He shielded his face behind his arm as the ship took off again before he started towards the sand-whirlpool that marked the entrance to Kuja's secret underground palace; he was in no real rush, knowing how unlikely Vivi being there was. Antlions screamed from their holes, and he spent a few moments making sure that he had the right pit before jumping into it.

He landed on his feet, one hand connected with the ground as he checked the soundings; sand trickled onto his head from the desert above and he moved into the main passages of Desert Palace. Still in no great rush he started to walk down the corridors, he checked the ground as an after thought, a thick layer of dust covered it but some footprints marked the covering. 'Why the hell did he come here?' He found himself wondering as he sent the Desert Palace moogle for the airship.

For a mercinary as skilled in finding people as Amarant, following the footsteps was not difficult, even at a run. 'I don't suppose he thought anyone would come here.' The mercenary considered, 'I guess he's smarter then I thought.' He soon arrived at the doorway leading into Kuja's room, he contemplated how he should enter, baring in mind the incredible magical strength of the boy he was there to 'save'.

He charged at the door, using his shoulder to force it open. A candle flickered near to the bed and a small figure lay in the same place his creator had once laid. A sense of urgency gripped Amarant as he spotted a bloody dagger on the ground just by the bed, he dropped to Vivi's side; blood stained the mages white sleeve and had started to seep up the arm of the blue coloured part. "Oh geez kid," He murmured, casting a Chakra spell on him expecting the wound to close a little and stop the flow of the blood. It failed.

A cold, anxious feeling wound through his chest and into his throat; never openly caring about anyone, he felt close to all the people he had journeyed with. Even the two 'brats' Vivi and Eiko, they were like the younger siblings he had never had. 'Think Amarant, what were you told about wounds that couldn't be healed?' He thought desperately, trying to draw on a memory that he had buried a long time ago.

The mage stirred slightly, his yellow eyes flickering opening slowly, "You move so much as an inch and I'll knock you out, you little bastard!" Amarant snapped angrily, tearing apart part of the sheet that was on the bed, it was dusty and not the best thing to use to cover a wound but it was all there was; wasting no time on being careful, he roughly grabbed Vivi's arm and tightly bound the wound. That done he picked the small body up and started towards the portal in Kuja's room; it was a long shot, it had been four years now since Kuja had died but he tried anyway.

The blue tingle of magic surrounded them, teleporting them out to where the Hilda Garde I had once stood; its sister ship was there now, a white mage rushing out to meet them. "Your magic isn't going to work; I tried a Chakra on him." Amarant barked at her as they ran, she just managed to keep pace. "It's the old fashioned way or no way."

They soon reached one of the private rooms on board ship, "What can you do for him?" The medic shook her head at the question, eyes on the small teenager. "People coped before there was magic, what can be done for him?"

"If the magic isn't taking then there's a reason for it," She told him softly. "He doesn't want to be healed." The mercenary knew this, he was not an idiot and appreciated more then the others the pain Vivi felt. "In the times before magic, they used stitches on wounds." She went to remove the hastily constructed bandage, before pulling back and shaking her head. "I can't do it sir; I've never even seen it done."

"I have, a long time ago. Fetch me some clean water, something I can use to stitch it with and as many bandages as you can find."

She nodded and left, ordering as many people as she could find to fetch bandages. "You're too young to die." He muttered as he pressed firmly on the blood vessel in Vivi's elbow, stopping the bleeding at the wrist slightly. "And that monkey Zidane isn't going to let you."

The young woman entered again, her arms heaped with bandages, "These were all the bandages I could find. I don't know if you can use this for stitching," She removed a role of fine plastic looking stuff from her pocket, "They use it in repairs," A young knight entered with a bowl of water, setting it down nearby before he left.

"Right, you take over here; make sure you press down hard on the blood vessel, if you loosen your grip the bleeding will get worse." He moved to the bowl and washed his hands as she did as he told him. "Apply something as a tourniquet just above it, or just under your hands, just to make sure." She used one of the bandages to do so, all the time keeping one hand on the desired location.

Authors Note: Yes I know they're making faux pars in their treatment, but they're doing that for a reason, namely that the people on Gaia have relied on magic too much and so the 'old' art of healing has been lost.

They have Vivi back, but he's far from in a good shape. How will Zidane deal with this? Find out in the next part of 'Shattered Soul' - 'Hearts and minds.'

AND:

Merry Christmas to everyone reading this! I certainly didn't intend for this to be what I was posting for x-mas but the Secret Santa I've entered isn't over until the 31st so your going to have to wait (Not that it's very christmasy either!)

Please, as always, leave a review - I like reviews. (Nods) 


	4. Hearts and Minds

Shattered Soul

Chapter Four - Hearts and minds

Author - Pilotslover )

Disclaimer - I don't own FF IX, Vivi'd be the main character if I did. I do own the concept, and the names of Vivi's sons, so please ask if you want to use this fic or anything within it.

sss page break

Response to reviewers -

RoS - I believe everyone does! Why Vivi? I don't know, he's just the easiest to see as depressed. Hehe.

LottiRebel - I'm afraid Eiko is saved until the end - chiefly to give him a chance to recover.

SSS

By the time they had reached the Black Mage village, Amarant had done as much as he could to Vivi's slashed wrist; it was a mess and there was no real art to it but at least it stopped it from bleeding. Not only was there the outer damage to repair but the mercenary had used some soluble fibres to repair the cut blood vessels inside the wound too. "You really can do just about anything Amarant," Zidane said as he met him in the corridor outside the room Vivi was in. "How's he doing?"

"All things considered, I think he'd rather be dead."

"Yeah, I know that but he's too young to go making stupid decisions like that."

"Too young in body, he's more mature then you are when it comes to his heart and his head."

"If you were so convinced that he'd be better off dead then why the hell did you help us?!" Zidane snapped angrily; tail bristling out behind him as he did so.

"I didn't say he'd be better off dead," With this, the mercenary slouched off down the corridor. Zidane shook his head slightly, not even wanting to work out what went on in Amarant's head half the time. "He's awake by the way," The salamander called back casually, "But you might want to stay where you are right now, he'd take your head off if he had the strength."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You really are an idiot. He doesn't want to see you Zidane, not yet."

This bit into the Genome, who stopped what he was doing and looked the mercenary full in the back. Swept up in the idea of rescue and saving Vivi's life he had not once stopped to consider the fact that the mage may well have been beyond help. "You'll just drive him to do something stupid, he doesn't want to see anyone he was really close too." Amarant turned back to face him, "He certainly didn't want me there, it was just upsetting him."

The Genome sighed and slipped down to the ground; utterly defeated by an enemy that he had no defences against, the anger of someone he had considered a very dear friend. "You've really done it this time," He murmured to himself, his head in his hands. "He was at rock bottom, you didn't see it, and then you go and do this."

"You didn't see it because he didn't want you to; you think he wanted someone to see this? Why do you think he went away in the first place?" Amarant offered before stalking from Zidane's sight; the king did not move, rocking slightly on his haunches for a while.

The young White mage emerged from Vivi's room, a host of bloody things in her hands; the red substance stained her robe. Zidane looked up, slightly awed by the fact that the mage had that much blood to spare, 'Then again, he probably doesn't.' He thought sadly, lowering his head again. 'He didn't want people to know he was upset but we should have seen it anyway! Damn it, Vivi's a friend and I left him to cope with this all alone!'

"There's no point waiting out here sir," The white mage told him softly, she stood just by his feet. "He's asleep again now; his body can't cope with being awake."

"Is he going to survive this?"

The medic gritted her teeth slightly, uncertain about what to say. "He's lost a lot of blood sir, whatever Amarant did stopped the bleeding but there's no telling if he's lost more then he should have." She shook her head, "The traditional capacity of a 13 year old male is 12 pints, I think he's lost about 4 or 5; the recovery is going to take a about a month."

"What you mean before he's better?"

"No sir, by no means, it'll take a long time before he has the strength to do anything. Right now, magic is out of the question, I've silenced him to act as a deterrent."

"Smart move,"

She left him; her pace was quick as she made her way to the incinerator. Zidane's eyes went to the door, before a sense of guilt forced him to look away again. The ship echoed with the sounds of flight but the Genome heard none of it as he lowered his head onto his folded arms, blinking hard to drive away the tears; Vivi was his best friend, bar no one. He had told the mage things in the past that he would tell no other, not even Garnet. They had been a team, the two members of the group who could always guess the others next action, 'I didn't see this though.' Zidane thought as he heaved in a big breath. 'I always knew he was down, I could always tell that but I didn't tell this time did I?'

SSS

Dr. Tot was quick to meet them on the airship when it docked at Alexandria, a white mage followed him; Cid had sent a message ahead of them that White magic was not working to heal Vivi's wounds. "Whatever did you do without magic?" The usually academic doctor asked Zidane as he stood to meet them outside the room, a place he had not left since he had boarded the ship.

"Amarant stitched it, I haven't seen it, but the white mage on board ship seems to think its okay."

Tot raised a hand thoughtfully to his chin, "You do realise why the magic refused to work don't you?" He queried of the king who shook his head. "White magic works on the principle of the one you're using the healing magic on wanting to be helped, part of casting such a spell is the targets desire to be healed." He looked Zidane in the face, his big glasses catching a lot of the light in the corridor as he did so. "If Vivi's current emotional state is as dire as the letter alludes then he certainly does not want to be healed."

Zidane's mind ran some of the letter through his mind, already having some of it dictated to his memory. "Yeah, I never thought he was suicidal, it doesn't sit with him as a person." He offered, not wanting to seem like he was a bad friend despite the fact that he had missed so much.

"In the past I would certainly say the same but the events of today demonstrate otherwise."

"Yeah, I know."

Tot shook his head, "I was there for most of the boys stopping, I know you saw Valian's but you saw only the end of things. Vivi spoke to no one in the castle of the things he saw and felt when each one stopped," Zidane's expression became slightly confused, he did not understand what Tot had meant by 'felt'. "I see you are confused and I guess what it is that confuses you; the first two deaths were more like I imagined stopping to be, they slipped away during the night. However, the deaths of the last four were more distressing."

The Genome nodded, "They really did just fall apart, didn't they?" He asked of the doctor who nodded gravely. "You told me about it when we were there for Valian, it started with the lesser major organs and spread into the more important ones; they broke."

"Yes they did, that's a very good way to say it." Tot agreed with a nod of his head, "When I said that Vivi felt it I meant quite literally, the boys were a part of him. I doubt he was exaggerating when he wrote that it felt like he had lost a part of his heart."

A shudder ran up Zidane's back as he tried to imagine how much losing the boys had physically hurt the mage, no matter how hard he tried he could not do so; each attempted to feel the pain Vivi felt ended in a sharp shudder of shock up his spine. "I have lingered here too long; I trust there are supplies in here." He bowed his head to Zidane before he entered the room. 


	5. Unexpected Understanding

Shattered Soul

Chapter Five - Unexpected Understanding

Author - Pilotslover )

Disclaimer - I don't own FF IX, Vivi'd be the main character if I did. I do own the concept, and the names of Vivi's sons, so please ask if you want to use this fic or anything within it.

RefugeofSouls - No he didn't deserve it, I'm a horrible mean person. However, I'm a mean person whose about to update!

LottiRebel - I don't like making people cry ... (gladly accepts lollipop) Yay. Thanks.

SSS

Alexandria Castle was trying to exude a sense of normality upon the Hilda Garde IV's return; there was no need to panic the citizenry into worry for the Black Mage; as with all the peoples of Gaia, the citizens of Alexandria regarded the party of eight as heroes. No one had been so widely loved as Vivi and Eiko, the two youngest heroes, the two many people saw as the bravest because they had faced all the trials of a risky journey before they had even hit puberty.

For Vivi, the usual calamity of growing older was worsened by having to care for six boisterous but loveable Black Mages. He took it well, throwing himself into caring for them and devoting his time to them; losing each of them within a month of one another had slowly torn him up inside. The outpour of grief from people who did not even know them personally was huge. Everyone knew how much like Vivi the boys were, how much of him they represented, contemplating life without them was virtually impossible.

Of course, now they had stopped, people had to learn to cope. Zidane and Garnet had tried to be there for Vivi but he had retreated into a world of his own, seemingly not wanting support from anyone until he was ready to claim it. Now, such support would be forced upon him, people did not want to risk losing one of their heroes, no matter how much pain he was feeling.

Upon his return to the castle, Tot had settled Vivi into one of the medical treatment rooms; the mage had flitted in and out of consciousness for the whole trip but now he was awake a good deal of the time. Awake to some degree anyway, he refused to talk to anyone, he did not cooperate with his treatment and he avoided eating whenever he could. Waves of anger, pain and grief washed out from him; his eyes refused to shine brightly as they had done in the past but Tot was heard to link this to blood loss and not to emotions.

It was certainly beyond him to deal with any of his companions, his emotional defences had been ripped away by the boy's death and his suicide attempt had been his way to cope with things. In his mind, he was keenly aware of the disgust others felt towards him; this was only in his mind, the disgust was nothing more then sympathy and guilt on his friend's behalf.

The room he was in smelt of stale blood, a worrying scent to smell around a boy of Vivi's age. Someone tapped on the door with a knuckle but went ignored; all too used to people ignoring him, Amarant walked in without the mage's blessing. Listless yellow eyes flickered towards the door before the boy rolled onto his other side. "You can manage turning then?" The mercenary asked without any real interest, he was not expecting a reply.

"There's something I want you to hear, I don't care if you take it in or not." He lent against the door, in part using his body weight to hold it shut in case someone tried to enter. "When I was a bit older then you, my - hmm - a woman I lived with tried to kill herself, cut herself like you did. The guy I used to fight sowed her up, kept an eye on her but she died." He snorted a slight laugh; this drew no reaction from the mage. "I used to think it was my fault, I soon got over that. She changed her mind just before she died, she seemed to be getting better but then she gave up, again."

The Salamander folded his arms across his broad chest, "She was a weak woman, that's what he taught me. She was weak in the head and she beat up her body to make it better. '99 outta 100 times they ain't worth savin',' He used to say and I agreed with him."

The ball of pain, anger and bitterness that had once been the boy hero of Gaia shifted slightly, "Why'd you save me then?" He asked, annoyance biting into his tones. "I'm weak, I've always been weak." His voice was as listless as his eyes; he was still tired from having lost so much blood in so short a period. Dr. Tot had succeeded in re-hydrating him, reducing the risk of losing him, but the restoration of the spilt blood would take a lot longer.

"You were the one percent I thought was making a mistake. Do us all a favour kid; recover your strength before you go making idiot decisions. Your mind's clouded by grief, there's still loads left for you to live for; you 13 not 113."

"I lost them all; I'm not changing my mind." Came a painfully tiny and cracked voice, the whisper of a person who felt they had nothing left to live for. Even for a mercenary as hardened as Amarant hearing it was painful; to him the mage was still just a child and yet his attempted suicide proved that he was not. It had not, as with other children Vivi's age, just a ploy for attention; he had been determined enough to die that he had removed himself for the castle and those he cared for.

"Kinda selfish of you really; we all have to deal with grief and pain but most of us cope by not sticking a knife in our wrist. Think about that when you're putting that tricky puzzle of yours back together again."

Feeling he had offered up enough of his soul for one day, Amarant pushed away from the door. "The monkey's outside," He told the mage simply, who still lay with his back to the door. He knew that Vivi's road to recovery would take longer then it would take for the wound to heal, that the only person able to make to make the choice to recover would be the mage, and that the guilt, the pain and the anger would forever leave a stain on his heart.

Zidane looked up as Amarant left the room, the mercenary stood in the way of the door so Zidane could not get in. "He isn't ready for you yet, maybe tomorrow, today he's got a lot to think about." Amarant told him honestly. Zidane stood, clenching his fist by his side, "Don't get angry at me. It's not my fault, it's not anyone's fault but his and he knows that."

"Yeah well, I can't go in and beat the crap out of him can I?"

"Why not? It's what he's expecting you to do; he's expecting everyone to be angry at him." Amarant said as if he knew something Zidane did not. "There's nothing worse then failing yourself, and I can't think of any worse failing then trying to kill yourself."

Zidane heaved a sigh, "What was he thinking?" He queried rhetorically he was not even sure he wanted the answer. "I know he was upset, I'm not blind but even he knows that suicide isn't the answer."

Amarant scoffed slightly, "Put yourself in his place," He partially instructed. "He was a kid when Quan died, he gets dragged along with your quest when he learns he isn't technically real, then he learns that most of his kind only last a year. When we finished Necron he was happy for a while, he made the others and lived in the castle. We get the news that you're coming back but it's overshadowed." The mercenary was not in the habit of speaking for so long, especially on behalf of another but Vivi could not say these things for himself. "Just before the play, Mikoto calls him to the village because 288's about to stop. No matter what people tried the Black Mages still didn't last very long, so 288 dies as the last of the army Kuja created two years before. Vivi's devastated, he was close to 288 but he refuses to grieve because of the boys; hiding how upset he was just made it worse. He's used to hiding grief; he's been doing it since Quan died."

"It's still a little extreme, slitting his wrist isn't a way of dealing -"

"Have you ever lost anyone, monkey?" Amarant interrupted quite sharply, "I don't mean someone you barely know, I mean close family. Losing an aunt or someone like that is painful but it isn't like losing your parents." He knew what he was talking about to some degree, his mother had died when he was very young, his sister had committed suicide when he had been 14, he had lost aunts and uncles but had never been close to them; his father had forcefully beaten such weaknesses out of him.

There was no answer Zidane could give, the only person he had lost was Kuja and even he was not sure what he felt about that. The other Genome had died inside the Iifa tree, his injuries too great for him to heal; Zidane had sat with him until the end, watching his final, painful breaths leave his body. However, Zidane had not been close to Kuja, he certainly did not feel any real love for the Angel of Death. "In his head, Vivi's lost his father figure, his brothers and his sons." Amarant was explaining, "I'm not giving him a reason, it was a stupid thing to do."

Casually, he lent against the doorframe, his bulk still blocking the door. "Tot'll let him out of there tomorrow, it's been two days." He told the Genome who stood looking at the door, guilt met Zidane's features as his green/blue eyes locked with the dark wooden door. "He won't want to see you for a long time, if he ever does."

Helplessly, Zidane looked towards Amarant, who shrugged ever so slightly. "But I wanna see him." He said hopelessly, "He can't lock himself away for ever." He insisted, fighting the temptation to stamp his foot and throw his arms to his side.

"Can't he?"

"No, I won't let him,"

"There's more then one way of keeping people out," With this cryptic comment, Amarant pushed away from the doorframe. His steps were unhurried as he moved down the corridor, he knew ways to keeping people out and he knew Vivi knew them too; the mage had been using them in the years since Quan's death and he had not stopped since. In his current state of mind, Amarant would not put it past Vivi to turn mute, or even try to take his life again.

Zidane slipped down the wall to sit on the floor again, he was not sure why he kept sitting outside Vivi's room but it made him feel like he was doing something; at least if he was outside then Vivi could get him if he wanted too. 'Why the hell would he want to?' He thought bitterly, he stood slowly, flicking a quick look to the door. 'He doesn't even know that I'm out here,' He shook his head. 'I'm sorry Vivi, it's my fault you're laying in there right now, I didn't see.' He forced himself away from his watch, 'I can't sit outside forever, and I've got to be there for Garnet.' He started to walk down the corridor, telling himself not to look back.

SSS

Authors Note: Back in the castle, tired and hurt, Vivi won't let anyone in. A new companion, a kindly soul, next time in 'Shattered Soul'. 


	6. Confrontation

Shattered Soul

Chapter Six - Confrontation

Author - Pilotslover )

Disclaimer - I don't own FF IX, Vivi'd be the main character if I did. I do own the concept, and the names of Vivi's sons, so please ask if you want to use this fic or anything within it, I also own any new characters.

Response to reviewers:

LottiRebel - any more lollipop's and I'll get fat! I'm sorry you've got to wait so long for Eiko, but I think you can understand where I'm coming from with this, and the chapters she is in will hopefully make it more obvious. (Eiko's in it in 'Part two' Chapter ... 12 I think, I've not started writing part two yet, Well I kinda have.)

Niara - Oh gosh, stopping now? How unthinkable! No, I wouldn't do that to you all, it's mean. I've written until the end of 'Part one' so to speak, so you'll at least get to that.

SSS

Tot had decided from the start not to deal with Vivi's case himself, he was far too connected to the mage as a person to be able to work objectively with him; he was also conscious of the fact that he had been there when the last four of Vivi's son's had died. In his place, he trusted a young woman named Ellisa; she was only 17 but had a good logical head on her shoulders. She knew what she needed to do, taking lessons in caring for stitched wounds from Tot, who had learnt all he needed from an ancient book.

It had been two weeks since Vivi had been found, stubbornly he refused to talk to most people and Ellisa was no exception. It always hurt her to deal with him because she could sense something in him beyond the pain he felt at present; she had not known he before and had paid little attention to the excitement caused by the hero's return to Alexandria.

She was slim, standing at the right height for her age; her eyes were turquoise in colour and her rich brown hair was always neatly tied behind her head. She wore a white mage robe when she was doing her duties, the fringe marked in red, the hood pulled up over her head to keep anything unpleasant out of her hair. She knocked on the door before entering, Ellisa was not entirely sure why she continued to do so, Vivi never granted her entrée but somehow it seemed more polite. "Hello Master Orunitia," She greeted warmly, her warmth had been artificial at first but it was slowly becoming more real. "According to Tot's research we can remove your stitches today."

There was no reply from the mage, who sat in a chair by the window; he was there every time she visited him and she doubted he moved very far during the day. "As chatty as always I see," She could not help but tease, knowing all too well that she would gain no reply. "I don't want to have to remove your coat for you, take it off will you." She dragged a small table towards his chair, setting a bowl of ice down on it, the things she would need to remove the stitches, and a roll of clean bandage onto it.

Having learnt that Ellisa would forcefully remove his coat from him the hard way, Vivi did as she told him to, leaving it behind himself. "I think I can trust you to remove a bandage by yourself," she said as she moved to open the window, bright light streaming in through it; a slight breeze plucked at the curtains like Wraiths. "You've watched me do it every day of the past two weeks," She scrubbed her hands in a bowl of soapy water, watching him unwrap the covering from the corner of her eyes. "Hold your arm out like this," She held her arm out in front of herself, underside up; he matched her gesture. Ellisa tenderly took his hand, resting the arm on top of a cloth on the chair arm.

She folded a thin cloth around a chunk of ice, "This is going to be uncomfortable, in the past there was an herb that could numb wounded areas but the art was lost when people started relying on white magic. So, I'm going to numb it with some ice instead." She smiled slightly, "I've never done this before. The book said that it doesn't hurt a lot but Tot thought it was best to reduce the risk." Ellisa held the ice to the messy stitching, careful to not press too hard.

Without telling him first, she removed the ice and cut through the knot in the stitching; carefully tugging the single stitch loose, more from the shock of not being told what she was doing Vivi tugged his arm back. "Done, I think we'll let that breathe for a few minutes." Ellisa moved to a second bowl of water, scrubbing her hands again. When this was done, she pulled a stool into the range of the light from the window, leaning out of it. "What a sunny day," She said enthusiastically. "All bright and cheerful, when I was a kid we used to -"

"Why do you do that?" The voice was tiny as it spoke; Ellisa took a few moments to work out who had spoken, pulling herself in from the window to look at the mage. She smiled slightly, whilst it was merely a shadow of his voice before, he had at least spoken to her.

"Do what, Master Orunitia?"

She sat on the stool facing him, but he refused to look at her. "Talk to me," He mumbled, it would be some time before Vivi would have the strength to master much more then that.

"I'm trying to be friendly; plus, I like the sound of people talking and I doubt you're going to talk to me, so I talk to myself."

With a half-hidden chuckle, Ellisa stood, "And I'll continue talking to myself; come sit over here, I need to clean your cut before I can bind it again." She motioned the stool with a jerk of her head. She took the bowls that she had washed her hands in to the small sink in his room; emptying, cleaning and refilling them.

When she returned, Vivi had not moved from his seat, his small form still huddled in the armchair, "Back to being awkward again then?" She referred to the first week she had dealt with him, when it had been a battle to clean his wound; against a weakened opponent, Ellisa had won every time, but now it seemed that he was willing to try fighting her again.

"I thought we were past this point Vivi, sorry Master Orunitia." She caught her own error quickly; as someone who did not really know him, she was required by castle etiquette to call him by his surname. Since he was technically a lord, this requirement was even greater. "I am under the direct order of the crown to ensure that your wound heals; I'll make sure it will by any means possible."

A flash of silver caught her eyes causing a sense of panic to well in her chest. "I don't think 'the crown' will be pleased to know you left scissors around me." Vivi said, part of his tone mocking what she had said. His eyes caught hers for a brief second; sharp shocks of grief clear in the dull yellow ovals.

"I doubt it," Ellisa partially mused, in the past she would not have dreamt of leaving something sharp around him, somehow she was not concerned this time. "They're still over there though; you've barely moved a muscle since I got here." She pointed out, smiling to herself when she realised how important this was. "I doubt you'd try again with me in the same room. I could be wrong of course and one day I'll come in and find you laying on the floor in a pool of blood."

"Now, are you coming to sit over here or am I going to have to come and get you?"

Shakily he pushed himself up and moved to sit on the stool. "Thanks, I don't like being bossy and forcing you to do things." She admitted softly; this broke through some of the contempt he felt towards her but not enough of it for there to be any real change clear in how he was with her. "You don't mind if I call you by your first name do you? I didn't mean too before but it seems nicer somehow." She sat down on the opposite side of the table to him, preparing herself to clean up his arm. "Plus, I get the feeling I say Orunitia wrong."

"You do, I don't care what you call me."

'Maybe I preferred it when he was silent,' Ellisa thought, before she shook her head, 'No, this is better, it means he's noticed I've been here everyday.' "Alright, Vivi it is then. Arm on the table, cut side up please." Mechanically he did as he was told; at times Ellisa had noticed that he would just shut himself off from the outside world. 'I guess it's just his way of dealing with things,' Her eyes went to the area she was about to clean but she did not start to do so. 'His better way of dealing, everyone has their own ways I guess.'

SSS

Zidane burst into the room without knocking; he was breathing heavily, his forehead beaded with sweat. Vivi was sat on a stool by the window, his jacket untidily lying in a nearby chair; a plain, cream-colored short-sleeved shirt was clear, as was the mages black skin. An old, slightly bloodied bandage littered the table on which Vivi's arm was rested; it was the first time Zidane had seen what his friend had done to himself and he was marginally shocked by what he saw. The wound was larder and more obvious then the Genome had expected, running all the way across the wrist just beneath the bottom of Vivi's glove.

It was wider at the end nearest Vivi's little finger; due to the stitching, the wound was inflamed and looked uncomfortable. It was difficult to ignore the multitude of smaller scratches but Zidane hastily did so. Vivi just looked at him, making no effort to hide his arm, almost as if to say 'This is what I did, Zidane. This pain is part of what I am.' The Genome turned his gaze on the White mage, "Ellisa, Tot sent me to fetch you."

The young woman looked towards him, "I have to bathe and dress Master Orunitia's wound before I do anything else, your highness." She told him, now fully awake from her near daydream. "What is it that he wants me for?"

"Some woman in the city is in labour; all the other mages are busy."

Ellisa nodded, "Alright sir, if he co-operates with me fully I can have Master Orunitia's arm ready in very little time." She turned her eyes on the Black Mage, catching a slight nod of his head. An awkward silence fell as the woman bathed Vivi's wound; he winced slightly, or so Zidane assumed from the slight jerk in his shoulders but the mage did not pull away completely.

After a while, she let go of Vivi's arm handing him a towel; she turned her attention to cleaning up the things she had been using as Vivi patted the wound dry. Zidane tried to focus his attention on Ellisa but his gaze fell on Vivi's arm instead; small pale scars interlaced one another, a criss-cross of visible wounds for the emotional ones that he had hidden away, none of them were as obvious as the one of his wrist. They ran all the way to his elbow, they were not confined to the underside alone and marked both of his arms.

With the uttermost care, Ellisa slowly bound the wrist; fresh white fabric shining in the light. She tested for any damage to the nerves but it was limited; with one of the most genuine smiles Zidane had ever seen, she plucked Vivi's coat from the chair and handed it to him. This done, she turned to Zidane, "Before we go into the city, I must change my robe sir." She told him simply, tugging off the one she wore; beneath it she wore a plain shirt and a dull green pair of trousers. "I'll be back in two days, Master Orunitia." She told the mage, who was tugging on his jacket. "You be sure to rest that arm of yours, Vivi."

Zidane ignored her using Vivi's first name, he did not mind this disregard of court etiquette as much as Steiner or Garnet would, and it was good to see that Ellisa was trying to connect with the mage. The Genome nodded to the White mage, as she moved to the door, he had been charged by Tot to make sure that she reached the house she was supposed to reach. Vivi did not watch them leave; his dull eyes falling instead on the table where Ellisa had left the scissors, partly wondering why he had left them there.

SSS

Authors note: Minds in turmoil, hearts in a mess, can Zidane and Vivi ever repair a friendship torn apart by the stains of grief? Find out next time in 'Shattered Soul'.

PL says: I had a great time writing this, and I hope your enjoying reading it, please leave a review and tell me what you think. 


	7. A Completely different friend

Shattered Soul

Chapter 7 - A completely different friend

Authors note: I really don't get it - my Hellboy short 'Thicker Than Blood' is only just behind this fic in reviews yet it's three chapters long and really rather short.

This is the last chapter, I've got a lot more to post but if people really aren't interested enough then there is no point in my going on.

There are two ways for people to find out what happens next - Leave a review, if I get three or more reviews for this part then I'll go on, or email me and I'll send you the next part (please note, reply won't be at once, posting it on here is more convienient.) I didn't ever want to have to resort to this, it makes me feel really lame, and pathetic (You can review just to tell me that - it won't count but ... meh).

To LottiRebel, whose the only reviewer for the last chapter - a dragon would be nice but for calling it quits now maybe I don't deserve one.

-

"Go away Zidane,"

Despite the fact that the command was not shouted, it was coupled with a slammed door. The Genome took a deep breath, pushing open the door, half-expecting to feel the light weight of the mage weighed against him. Crystal like chunks of ice littered the floor by the door, showing Zidane that a blizzard type spell had been used to slam it.

Vivi sat on the bed, an all too familiar feeling of cold guilt constricting his chest as he looked to his friend. The spell had been his first since his return to the castle and whilst it had been strong enough to slam the door, Vivi felt incredibly weak upon casting it. Tot had warned him not to cast a spell for at least three months, explaining to a disinterested mage that it would take that long to replenish the spilt blood; the boy had tested this theory only to find that Tot was, as usual, right. "I brought you something to eat; Garnet's paranoid that you're starving yourself." Zidane placed the tray he had been carrying on a small table in the room; he knew Vivi was not starving himself but reassuring Garnet had been impossible. "She also asked me to check the room for anything sharp." He was not sure why he told the mage this, it had been a part of Vivi's day over the past three weeks.

"Steiner's checked twice already,"

Vivi's eyes drifted to the tray nearby, they had not even given him a knife and fork to eat with. "I think they're being stupid, you could hurt -" Zidane paused for a moment, before selecting another word. "- Kill yourself with ease." He bowed his head; a well-known lump rising in his throat as he thought about what the 13 year old had so nearly managed to do. He did not move to sit besides the mage, fearing that the limited progress he had made in the past two weeks would be erased by this invasion of his personal space. Tot had kept Vivi in the medical room for three days before he had decided to grant him the limited privacy of his own room; it was not Vivi's old room, which everyone knew held painful memories for the mage, but one of the guest rooms.

When Vivi had first been returned to the castle, he had spoken to only one person and then it had been limited; now, three weeks on, he would at least speak to people. "You don't need something sharp, and I know that you know that. You're clearly still with us for a reason." The King of Alexandria sat in a chair nearby, tail flicking from side to side anxiously; he looked towards Vivi, whose eyes were still on the tray. "I know you feel like your heart's been shredded and that what you've lost is irreplaceable." He paused for a long moment before choosing to go on. "So, what are you waiting for?"

The distance between the two was great; the incredible sorrow and depression that had gripped Vivi's thoughts after the deaths of his sons had not yet let him go. Despite their good intentions and best attempts, Zidane and the others had no idea how to react to him, or to help him. "Stop saying sharp, you know what I used, it's not going to hurt if you say it." Vivi said, his eyes going to Zidane's; somehow, these yellow ovals looked nothing like those of the boy hero of Gaia, the innocence had gone. "I'm only here because you're all making me."

"That's crap; you're a powerful mage, Vivi. You don't need a dagger to hurt yourself."

There was a long silence, the mage stared at his wrist, his mind reliving the image of the white part of the sleeve being covered in blood; his blood, duller and darker then human blood, almost as if it too was tired. Zidane sighed heavily, willing now to try something he had hoped not to have to try. "You think you're the only one to face stuff like that?" He suddenly snapped brutally, sealing away his heart as he did so. "Freya lost hundreds of her kind. Eiko never knew her extended family. There are kids out there, dying on the street, orphaned, beaten and alone."

"Zidane," The voice was perfectly calm, Zidane could not get to Vivi by using other peoples pain. "Everyone dies alone." The Genome shook his head but the truth was undeniable; in the end, everything died alone. "You could have everyone you ever knew there but the only one there is you. That is the truth of life, it leads only one way."

All thoughts of progress vanished from Zidane's mind; he had achieved nothing in the past weeks. He stood and moved to sit next to the mage, there did not seem to be any point in avoiding doing so any more, a slight scoff passed Vivi's lips. "That's the closest any of you have gotten to me, besides that white mage, are you all scared I'll suddenly turn homicidal?" The mage queried with an edge of bitterness to his tones as he did so. Without warning, Zidane grabbed him in a firm hug, his way of proving he knew no such fear. To an outsider, it would seem that the hug was one sided; however, Zidane felt the gentle pressure of Vivi's chin rested on his shoulder.

-

AN: Well, this continue is really in your hands, if your reading it please leave a review - I can't quite find the words to tell you why I'm acting so childishly, maybe I'm tired (Shrug) I doubt you care.

A friend butting into thoughts that should be left alone, winter thoughts on a summers day; can the summer ever truely bite into an icy heart? Find out in Shattered Soul.

Maybe ... 


	8. Rememberance and Birth

Chapter 8 - rememberance and birth

Lottirebel - Rock a dragon, I have many (Pern RP). Am still going!

Niara - Thank you Niara, I update often because I know how annoying it is when authors don't. (Furious blushing.)

Kittynak14 - I never meant to sound so whiny (Smacks self with over sized malet,) No I'm not quitting yet, I want you all to know what happens. Problem is, I am running out of stuff to put with this fic (Namely I haven't finished it yet.) Trust me, you really don't want to know what I think of Vivi (Vivi runs away screaming, he knows all too well).

ashitaka666 - Zidane's a meany! And Vivi is coming across as very stubborn. Your a smart one, I'll give you that, three reviews of your own. Am going to keep going.

SSS

Zidane clutched at his wife's hand, surprised by how tightly she gripped it in her pain; she released it slowly as the contraction ended. "Zidane … I've … got an idea." She just managed to murmur, she closed her eyes for a few moments. "I want Vivi to be here," She opened her eyes, looking her startled husband full in the face.

"Garnet, that could just drive him the wrong way completely!"

"It's better then what we've done so far," She snapped, the snap was coupled by a furious glare; Zidane stumbled backwards a few steps and ducked out of the door just in time to avoid something she threw at him. He sprinted to Vivi's room, bursting in without knocking, standing just inside the door as he caught his breath.

The mage was nowhere in sight; uncertainly, Zidane stood panting for a while, trying to think where Vivi could be. Dreading Garnet's reaction if he returned without the mage in tow, he dashed out of the room and towards the kitchens. In the past, he had often found Vivi and the boys in there, all of them possessing large appetites.

Quina greeted him with a scornful look, "Queen have baby, what Zidane leave Queen for?" S/He asked, brandishing a fork threateningly. S/He noticed Zidane's quick breathing, lowering the fork, "What Zidane do here?" The kitchen was alive with activity as usual; the Gourmand was head chef and controlled the lesser cooks with the skill of a well-versed conductor.

"Have you seen Vivi?" Zidane panted, his breath seemed to be avoiding him, one hand went to the wall to steady himself.

"Mage in garden,"

"Thanks Quina," The Genome yelled back over his shoulder as he charged in that direction. He had spent a great deal of time exploring the castle with Vivi's sons when he had returned and knew its passageways and shortcuts well. He rushed past sleepy knights, who barely registered his presence before he was gone again. Someone's hand gripped his arm in a steely grip as he ran past, forcing him to stop. "Let go Beatrix," He snapped exhaustedly.

The female knight's grip was unwavering, her one good eye going to his flushed features. "Please, Garnet's in labour. She sent me to find Vivi." Zidane blurted, his breath coming out in heaves from his exhausted lungs.

"Oh," Beatrix managed to say as she released him. "He was in the Garden when I patrolled Zidane, that was some time ago but he was under one of the bigger oak trees." Thanking her, the Genome leapt the five ancient stone steps that led into the gardens, his jump upsetting a good number of the stones that decorated the pathway.

He paused for a moment, contemplating the best way of getting to the tree Beatrix had mentioned; he cast his gaze left and right down the path as he thought. A pair of green and white striped trousers swung into view and out again, and he dashed in that direction. Vivi was sitting on a grey stone bench, swinging his legs absently; with a jolt, Zidane realised that this was the first time the mage had been out of the main castle in the past month. A second jolt made him realise why Vivi was sitting where he was; the last time the boy had sat there he had had all his sons there with him, the day before the eldest had stopped.

The Genome sat besides him, his breath still coming in pants. "Vivi," He managed to say at last, snapping the mage from a bittersweet memory; a look of anger crossed Vivi's still dull eyes as he woke from the reminiscence. "Garnet's in labour, she wants you there. I've ran all the way here to find you." A bitter comment died in Vivi's throat as he looked to Zidane; the erstwhile thief offered up a weary smile. "I don't think she'll let me back in without you."

His breath fully recovered, he grabbed Vivi by his left wrist, tugging him to his feet. "Zidane, get off." Vivi partially instructed, his voice still lacked strength yet there was a dangerous edge to the way he spoke; the Genome did not catch it, his hand still on Vivi's wrist. "I got tired enough walking down here; I can't run to the other side of the castle." Dejectedly, Zidane let go of his friend, watching as the mage sat down again.

"I wasn't joking you know, she nearly took my head off getting me to leave."

"I can't do the impossible Zidane, why don't you go and see if she'll let you back in alone?"

Angrily, Zidane's tail flicked from side to side, and he kicked at some of the stones on the path. "I'm gonna miss it," He grumbled, kicking some more of the stones. He sat down heavily on the bench, slumped forwards to look at the ground. "It's funny, Ruby said I'd miss it. 'You'll miss your own babe's birth dahlin', you're so darned late for everything.'" He adopted her accent in a very poor approximation of how she spoke.

A hand rested very gently on his arm, drawing his eyes to the dull-eyed form of his friend. "I'll be there. You go to Garnet, she'll need you." He drew his hand back, dropping his gaze; he was not sure why he had done it but it seemed unfair for Zidane to miss his own Childs birth. The Genome squeezed his hand in quick thanks, blessing the mage with a smile before running towards the castle.

SSS

AN: A child on the way, a faint glimmer of caring, is Vivi finally ready to let go of his painful past? Find out next time in 'Shattered Soul' 


	9. Hand in Hand

Shattered Soul

Chapter Nine - Hand in hand

AN: Sorry this chapter is so short, I really wanted to make Part A 'Screaming hurt' 10 chapters in length, hence this one being so short. I'm trying to make this have three parts 'Screaming hurt' 'Recovery' and 'Return to normality' looking at the different stages of what Vivi is going through.

ashitaka666 - We're scary all the time! Mwah ha ha! I had heard women are pretty evil when giving birth, hence her nearly taking his head off.

Saffire Raynius - (furious blushing) thank you very much, only one person's said I rocked their socks before so, thank you for the compliments, hope I don't go on to disappoint. This Bizatch is now updating! Lol.

LottiRebel - I did indeed read the some of the Pern book, infact I co-own a RP; I should hope there's more to me then meets the eye, or else I'd be a very boring person.

Rifa - I'm not sure why I used Amarant, it always struck me that Vivi and Amarant would have a lot in common if they actually talked (Without Amarant resorting to 'brat') Best you've read from me? Even I'll admit that's not difficult, and almost making you cry too? The next story (This one's part one of a longer arc) is really emotional at points. I'm glad you're back from the dead too!

SSS

The Genome ran back to the room his wife was in via the quickest routes, his pace was quicker on the way back. He paused for a few moments outside the door, catching his breath; unbidden, his mind called the images of Vivi's arms and he shuddered slightly. It was hard to associate the boy he had saved the world with, with the scars and the pain; he was not sure why he was thinking of these things now but somehow he knew his mind needed to sort them out before his child was born.

When his breathing was normal again, he pushed open the door to be greeted by the exhausted eyes of his wife. He moved to her side and kissed her forehead lovingly. "Took your time Zidane," She teased him hoarsely. Her eyes fell on the empty space behind him, "Where's Vivi?"

"He's coming, he said he would." Zidane attempted, "He was down in the Garden, that's why it took me so long to get to him and back again." He held onto her hand, kissing it once.

SSS

Ellisa moved to the door when someone knocked on it, she greeted the mage with a wide smile. Due to his age, Tot had decided to train an apprentice healer in his place; the quick witted and gentle natured woman had been the natural choice. "Your highness, Master Orunitia is here," Ellisa announced as she turned back into the room, motioning with one arm that he should enter.

The Queen looked towards him; she was sweating but found the strength to grace him with a smile, albeit a weary one. "Come hold my hand, Vivi." She partially ordered, feeling that he would ignore her if she asked him politely. "I'll try not to squeeze it too hard, that's what Zidane's is for."

As if seeking approval, yellow eyes went to Zidane, who sat on Garnet's other side with his hands in hers and for a brief second he was the innocent and shy Vivi of the past. With a beaming smile, Zidane nodded his head. Tentatively, Vivi did as he was told, slipping his left hand into Garnet's. His heart was beating hard against his rib cage; apprehension spiralled with guilt and keen sense of inappropriateness in his mind. 'I don't deserve to be here,' He thought, 'I don't deserve to see this.'

The grip on his hand tightened and Vivi squeezed Garnet's back firmly; it was the same thing he had done when the pain of drifting apart had claimed his sons. The feelings of inadequacy he had experienced then came back, a sharp stab to his fragile soul; he had been unable to do anything for them, just to sit there and hold onto their hands. He forced the images and the feelings from his mind forcefully, it did not seem right to be thinking such things around the Queen now.

"What are you waiting for?" The question Zidane had asked him returned to the mage as he sat there; he had not been sure, in his mind, he had just been waiting for a chance to end it. But, the chances, he realised had always been there; he had not been silenced, the windows had been opened fully on many occasions, and there had been the occasion when the White Mage had left the scissors around him. 'Was I waiting for this?' SSS

A lingering touch, a memory of pain, what gender will the heir of Alexandria be? Find out next time in 'Shattered Soul'

Sorry it was so short! Please leave a review. 


	10. Benieth the surface

Shattered Soul Chapter 10 - Benieth the surface

Disclaimer: As stated before, I do not own any of the final Fantasy characters you see, I do own Ellisa and any other new characters.

Gelendra - It doesn't bother me how long it takes you to read it, as long as you do so. Joking, joking. I'm glad that you liked it, I know angst can be a little over blown and annoying (Don't anyone dare think I'm excluding my own from that, I know I can be a little over dramatic sometimes.) Am glad to make it onto you favourites list with this fic, it was so hard to write (From an emotional perspective.)

Rifa - Garnet came as a surprise to me, originally it was Zidane and Ellisa's idea but it seemed more fitting from Garnet.

SSS

He was not sure how long he sat there, both hands now tight in Garnet's; only just aware of her, everyone else in the room and what was going on. After the measureless time, Garnet released her grip on him so that she could hold her child; she looked tired but Vivi noticed how much her face lit up when she held the baby, she looked so happy and content. The Queen gently kissed a small mark on the babe's head, in time this would grown into a summoners horn; a small damp tail hung limply over Garnet's arm; the babe's hair was light brown, including it's tail.

Zidane was grinning like a fool; he kissed his wife on the forehead, gladly taking the baby from her. He stood for a long time with the child in his arms, planting a careful kiss on a pale cheek before moving to pass it back to Garnet, but she shook her head. "There's still one person for the new princess to say hi to," She murmured sleepily, her eyes going to the quiet form of the Black Mage, "Someone who's going to be very important to her."

Smiling to his wife, Zidane nodded; he moved to Vivi's side, the mage shook his head, backing away slightly in his seat. "I don't deserve to," He mumbled, his left hand going to his right wrist as if to prove why, he shook his head again.

Tenderly, carefully, Zidane used one hand to move Vivi's left arm. "You do, you're still here," He said simply, supporting his daughters head as he slipped her into Vivi's arms. She curled into him, her fingers closing around the red ties that held his jacket closed; the look of worry that had entered his eyes when Zidane had given him the child vanished as she wrapped her tail around his right wrist tightly. It was not like holding the boys had been, they had never been as small, having grown to 'full size' within moments of hatching; they had not smelt the same either.

A small, proud smile met Garnet's lips as she watched him with her daughter, she had been right about his being there; he had needed the sharp reminder that not all of life was painful, some parts of it could be amazing and wonderful too. "I'm glad you were here Vivi," She admitted in a soft voice, part of her not wanting to break the spell of the moment by talking. "Before you went away, Zidane and I spoke in great depth about asking you to be Godfather; we very much want you to be a part of her life." A wave of utter helplessness swept over the mage as the infants startling blue eyes opened and looked at him.

"But, after what happened-" Zidane took over the conversation. "- After we knew what you felt, it didn't seem right to ask you." He quickly took note of the fact that Vivi's eyes lingered on the child still, "But, maybe asking isn't such a bad idea." He took the infant from the mage so he could give her back to Garnet. "What do you think?" Bright yellow eyes went to Zidane as Vivi's confused mind battled with complex conflicting ideals, he was overwhelmed by what he felt and by the number of arguments going on inside.

Garnet and Zidane wanted him to be their innocent child's Godfather, the tiny newborn who had not looked at him strangely because of what he had done or tried to be sympathetic, the infant who had still to experience life. "You don't have to answer now," Zidane told him softly, breaking into his thoughts for the second time that day; the same manic smile still on his face. "We're not going to offer it to anyone else until you've decided."

Vivi shook his head, dropping his gaze; "I don't think it's a very good idea," He mumbled, eyes on his hands, which were folded in his lap. "What sort of role model would I be for her?" Distress bit into his tones as he spoke.

Delicately, Garnet shifted her grip on her babe, who was enjoying her first meal, so that she could touch Vivi's shoulder; a quick squeeze drew his eyes to her. "You are the most humane, kind and wonderful person I know, I'd be very glad for you to be her Godfather; I know she'd be happy to have you."

"I used to be,"

The smile on Garnet's face grew more sorrowful, "I think you are still, your just … sick right now." She attempted, knowing this was not true; she moved her hand back to her child. "And before, we didn't have the treatment, now we have something, I think." She stroked the infant's cheek with one finger, before her eyes went to the mages; there was always something lingering under the surface of what he was thinking and no one could ever work out what it was.

Ellisa moved to Vivi's side and gently took him by the elbow, "Come on you, we'd better give the family time to get to know one another," She offered, watching as Zidane sat in close next to Garnet. "It'll give you time to think about what you want to do too," Vivi nodded in reply, his yellow eyes on his wrist again. 'If only he could find some way to forgive himself, a way to admit that this isn't all his fault,' Ellisa thought, she knew that Vivi felt the boy's death had somehow been his fault and that only he would be able to find a way to forgive himself.

SSS

AN: Thus endth part A

No really, that bit is complete.

However, in this same fic, part B will follow. I'm really glad to get that bit over and done with, because now I can focus more on Vivi directly, rather than using Dagger, Zidane etc to monitor him.

Oh yes, my little preview ... ahem.

A princess born, the promise of a new start; maybe some further happy news for Vivi. Find out in part B of Shatter soul, Chapter 11, 'A Journal and a Hope'. 


	11. Part B A Journal and a Hope

Shattered soul - Part B - Recovery

Disclaimer - All recognisable characters belong to Square (enix), those who aren't recognisable - Ellisam and the baby - are mine.

Chapter 11 - A Journal and a Hope

Rifa - I don't like babies, they smell and cry and are deceptively cute! My bitterness at babies aside, thanks for reviewing. Maybe you can put your finger on what I'm not doing to your taste, I can't promise I'll change due to it, am far to stubborn. (lol)

Gelendra - I like writing teasers! And the happy news is coming up! Updating is good, I like updating a lot.

ashitaka666 - Problem with movies is that the characters would be okay to some people but wrong to others. I'd love to see some of the fics I'd read made into films, certainly not my own!

LottiRebel - Hehe, you're trying to tell me I go to all that effort of sticking Eiko in a later chapter just for you and you don't want her any more? Joking, joking; I'm very glad that you're enjoying it so much!

So, why are my chapter's so short? Because they end when they seem to need too, if you continue an idea too far it gets dull and people lose interest in the emotions. Plus, I can't help but feel some bits of this would be a little heavy going if it were longer.

Anyway, explanation aside and on with the fic!

SSS

Entry 1

I'm not sure why Ellisa's making me keep a diary, I've never kept one before and this seems a little stupid. She said that this was a journal of my recovery, which she tells me is happening even if I don't see any change. Maybe I do see some, but only little things; I don't avoid talking to people so much any more and getting out of bed is easier now.

I got a letter from Mikoto, which I'm going to stick in here because I think it's important, she has managed to bring back some of the mages using the soulless Genome's that remained. She started the process four years ago and she says that at first she thought it was a failure because the Genome's remained the same at first. But then, Mr. 288 started to show signs of being himself again. I'm not sure how it works exactly, but mages aren't like other beings, when we stop we leave our souls behind and Mikoto used that to bring the others back.

Most importantly of all, she's told me there are six more Genome's remaining and she has offered them to me; I'm not sure what to do and I'm waiting on a reply from Mr. 288 before saying either way.

I've got a lot of choices to make; I still haven't decided if I should be Zidane's daughters Godfather, I want to, but sometimes wanting something isn't enough, sometimes you have to believe in what you're doing too. She's a beautiful child and I don't want to ruin her life in any way because of the things I've done in the past, things I don't even like thinking about.

It's been … I'm not sure, about two months now; my wrist is healed but I'm still pretty sleepy a lot of the time, Ellisa's told me this is due to blood loss, I can't help but feel it's because I just can't be bothered sometimes. I finally got around to asking her what her name was and I don't think I've ever seen anyone look so happy to be asked her name. She then proceeded to babble about what her full name was and she told me that no one was sure what her name really was because she was found as a baby in Treno.

I've never been very good with people, but Ellisa is something of an enigma; she just goes on about things that are unimportant but always holds back when she talks about herself. I know lots of people do it but it doesn't make a lot of sense, people are always hiding things from one another. Then again, I hid something very important from everyone; I couldn't bring myself to tell everyone how much pain I was in. Maybe if I had things would be different now, maybe I wouldn't feel so … stupid now.

SSS

Entry 3

Today was safely what you could call a bad day, I didn't talk to anyone today and spent a lot of the time crying to myself; I'm not even sure why, there wasn't any reason for it. Now I just feel very sleepy, and I really feel like I could spend all of tomorrow asleep.

SSS

AN: Sorry this is another short chapter - it's predominantly because the next chapter is looking very much at why Vivi's day was so bad.

Ahem -

Reasons to keep going, more to give up again, can Vivi manage to pull himself out of the final death he felt for a sons passing? Or will it just drag him down again? Find out next time in the next chapter 'Laid to rest'.

I feel like Misato! Am fighting the urge to promise fan service! 


	12. Laid to Rest

Rifa - I just wrote, I didn't really think why and how. That's the way I do things, looking at it, it would seem like Vivi is still very much depressed, hence the lack of emotion to what he writes.

Gelendra - Hehe, I had to! I'm not telling you yet whether Vivi says yes or no to Mikoto's idea, because that'd spoil a very cute chapter later. I was kind of proud of that idea, I got thinking about how Genome's are just vessels and in essence, mages are just souls and added two and two.

Note: Very long chapter!

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Entry 4

Ellisa seems to have worked out how I felt yesterday and she sat me down for a really long talk about my recovery; she explained that it would feel like I'm on a special wheel, when I'm down it will seem like up is a long way away, but when I'm up, down will feel really close. We spent a long time talking and then she asked me go for a walk to the main hall, I didn't want to go. She told me that it was 'no big deal' and left it at that; although she did say that I would have to face up to that memory eventually.

I keep trying, every time I go to write about it, I find that I can't.

SSS

A knock at the door caused Vivi to stop writing and he called for whomever it was to enter; Ellisa appeared in the doorway, her eyes instantly finding his. Her eyes, Vivi had started to realise, changed colour dependant on her mood; in the past, they had been turquoise, which meant she was slightly anxious but recently they had been violet. Presently, they were turquoise again demonstrating that something was bothering her. "Vivi, I just wanted to talk to you about today," She started, he stood up from the desk and offered up a chair close to the window, sitting close to her. "I know it's hard okay? I know you don't want to have to face up to what you saw and felt when Valian passed away but you do realise you have to right?"

On the mention of his youngest son, Vivi had ducked his head, hiding his eyes from her; a tight feeling welled in his throat and chest. "I can't ever understand what you went through and it's painfully clear to me that no one else can, the only one who knows what it's like is you." She rested a hand on his arm, trying to draw his eyes again but it did not work. "I didn't want to talk to anyone when I lost my sister, but I met my friend and he made me tell him," She admitted, besides her friend, no one knew that she had a sister.

"And I cried like a babe, the last time I'd cried at all was when I was five, but when I was 13, he sat with me and I cried and I cried. Everything I said, every single word that passed my lips made me cry a little more but it all helped me to see that my sister wouldn't have wanted me to hide things away like I had been. After I'd cried myself out, I felt better; I wasn't as angry or annoyed any more, I felt normal for the first time in almost six years."

It had came to Ellisa only that evening that Vivi had not cried after the death of his son, Zidane had said that Vivi had been a very emotional person and yet the mage had not once cried about Valian's death. "You've dealt with the others, you've made peace with how they went but you can't seem to do that for Val," The use of Valian's pet name drew his eyes finally, tears were leaking into the corners of them but he still seemed to be refusing to cry. "I know it doesn't seem you have to grieve any more, if Mikoto's right then you'll have them all back again, but sometimes it helps to tell someone and just cry."

Her eyes had changed colour to a very pale blue showing that she was upset. "I think you started to tell them in your letter, you were hiding behind metaphors and words but I think, and Tot thinks, that you were starting to tell them how you were hurting." He had ducked his head again, hiding away from what she was saying. "Only you know, no one else will ever understand what you went through, you could tell one of your friends and they could be sorry for you but no one will ever really understand what you experienced that day."

"H - He told me it wasn't my fault,"

Tears broke into the words and Ellisa got up from her chair to rest a hand on his shoulder, she squatted to his level and he looked into her eyes again. "He said he knew that I'd never have made him if I'd have known it was going to hurt." Tears bit into Ellisa's throat, tears for the compassion shown by a child she had not even known. "And all I could do in reply was hold his hand and tell him it would be over soon." He finally broke down and Ellisa could not help herself from wrapping him in a supportive hug, the grief-stricken mage hugged her back, burying his head into her chest. It did not take him very long to calm down enough to go on, "I felt it, in my heart when he died and I fainted, I don't know if Zidane and the others told you that."

"No they didn't, but I expected it."

He held onto her and Ellisa let him; she could feel him shivering against her as his young mind relived the experience. "I was pretty much in a coma for a week, they'd already had Valian's funeral when I woke up; I … didn't really do much for that month, then little by little I made it seem like I was getting better but I was really planning what I'd do next." He finally let Ellisa go and seemed to blush slightly when he realised where he had been nestled; the White mage smiled slightly, Vivi was finally letting someone know what he had gone through and it made her happy to know that he was not recovering as a show like before. "I didn't think I'd ever get better so I … well you know what I did,"

"Yeah, I do, and I never once judged you for it,"

"I …" His voice broke as he went to talk again and he looked towards her, Ellisa offered up a chuckle.

"I wondered when you'd start,"

"Start what?" He asked, genuinely not knowing what she meant; Vivi had never really thought about growing older because he had never thought that he would do so, every year that he had grown older he had expected it to be his last. The patient natured medic sat and spoke to him about everything, her tones not at all condescending or rude; although she did tease him twice for times his voice broke when asking questions.

SSS

Entry 4 - cont.

I finally spoke to someone about Valian's death and I do feel a little better for it.

Ellisa spoke to me about growing up today, she told me that my voice is breaking which she explains as the process whereby my voice is maturing. I never thought that I'd live long enough to have to grow up physically, and I didn't listen when Zidane told me about it when I turned 12 (I'm fairly sure he tried to tell me again when I was 13, but I really wasn't listening to him then either.)

Ellisa managed to persuade me to try going into the main hall again tomorrow, pointing out that I'll have to go in there when Zidane's daughter is announced. Now that someone else knows what he said, I'm fairly sure I could do it; it's all positive thinking (something I've never been any good at). I know it's okay to be sad and scared but somehow it seems wrong for me to be sad when I might get them back again.

SSS

Entry 5

I managed to go into the hall today, I didn't get overwhelmed and faint again, I just stood and looked past what happened. I just had to look beyond Valian's death to how he was in the hall before that, like the time we set up a tent in one of the crevices and the boys pretended to be on an adventure (I even got Zidane to pretend to be a monster for a little while). Or when we persuaded Quina to make a special feast on Calan's birthday because he tended to feel a little left out. Or the time when Ollan gave us a concert of our own, just me and the other boys.

When I look back, I can see that all of my memories of them were happy, they make me feel proud and cheerful when I think of them. These memories don't make me miss them more, or feel worse about them dying, they make me feel pleased that I gave them so many good experiences.

I read something once that said life isn't about cramming as much as you can into it, because if it was you'd have so many bad and negative memories; it said that life was about living each day happily and I see that my sons had so many happy days. I'm not saying that we didn't have bad days too, I once yelled myself hoarse at Turo and Sola for picking on a girl and I sometimes feel like I wasn't smart enough to appreciate Nicara's talents but we had more good days then bad ones.

Ellisa's been really good with all this, I never had her down as a listener before (She kept talking too much) but she's a really good person and I could see her as a good friend. I've seen so little of Zidane recently, every time he's spoken to me he's rambled on and on about his baby (Not that I can blame him for that, she's beautiful). And Garnet's been really busy looking after her.

SSS

AN: Vivi's voice breaking may seem a bit of an after thought, and in truth it was - I suddenly realised that I had a 13 year old Vivi still running around with his child voice.

Finally a childs memory is laid to rest, finally a demon is exocised from Vivi's soul; decisions still to be made and people still to face. A birthday and not that of someone you'd expect, whose memories will surface thanks to a special gift? Find out in 'Birthday Rememberance'. 


	13. Birthday Rememberance

Shattered Soul

Chapter Thirteen - Birthday rememberance.

LottiRebel - If you insist on my updating then I shall! Lol. Eiko's coming up really soon!

Rifa - There's a reason Vivi broke down so easily - he was emotionally overloaded. As he says in a fic I'll never post 'My arms get tried, holding the world at bay, sometimes you just have to let people in.' He breaks down with her because she's very much outside the situation. As to the soul thing, I think it's pointed out that the twelve she's chosen did not show signs of developing souls of their own. Not all Genome's have souls (Infact, based on the game we'd believe that only three do, Kuja, Zidane and Mikoto). Next chapter isn't as long I think.

Saffire Raynius - Thanks Saffire! I'm much the same, angst is bareable if you can see a recovery happens, or else what's the point in writing an angst in the first place? Vivi squeaking now? Interesting idea ... hehe.

Gelendra - I'm glad that I'm being so inspirational. I'm not sure what my inspiration was for this, maybe it was what I was thinking in life at that point. (shrug) Who knows, all I know is that I had to write it for some emotional reason within.

SSS

Entry 10

I spent most of today with Ellisa, we went shopping in the city and she told me that she was 18 today; I stumbled over what to say for a while, which made her laugh at me again and then I insisted on buying her lunch. She kept telling me it was nothing, that the reason she'd told me was because I kept asking her why she looked so happy (Which I did). Zidane came to join us after lunch and we went to see a play at Ruby's theatre; I can't remember a time when I'd been so glad to see anyone, Ruby wrapped me in a tight hug and told me that I looked really well (She was lying, my eyes are still really dull at times).

The play was great but I started to feel really sleepy and ended up half asleep against Zidane; I woke up completely when Ruby surprised Ellisa with a small birthday cake. She looked so happy to have gotten a cake that I really wished I'd known before so that I could get her a present; Zidane had arranged the cake when he'd banged into us in town and I'd told him it was Ellisa's birthday.

When we returned to the castle, Ellisa checked my wrist; she's been worried about my not using it but everything's okay with it. I didn't once think about what I did today, which really did help me to feel normal again.

SSS

Vivi had never been to the wing of the castle given up to White Mages, knights and others in the employ of the Queen; there were fewer windows and the quarters were smaller but Vivi could not help that it felt more relaxed too. He soon found Ellisa's quarters and knocked on the door, "Liony is that you?" Ellisa yelled in response and he could hear her moving towards the door. As she opened the door, Ellisa's turquoise eyes turned a rich violet when she saw him. "You're not Liony," She offered with a grin, she wore a plain teal shirt and a pair of grey trousers. "Come on in,"

Vivi followed her into the room, her room was very neat and ordered, everything seemed to have its own place and he was almost afraid to sit down. "I - I …" The anxiety of being in her room caused him to revert to stammering again, he stopped, took a deep breath before continuing again. "I brought you a present, it … isn't very much because I didn't know what you like so …"

She chuckled slightly, "Vivi, you didn't have to do this," She said, wrapping him in a quick but very tight hug. When she let him go, she went in search of a vase for the flowers, "Feel free to sit down, I know there isn't anywhere other then the bed but I don't mind you sitting there." As she left the room, Vivi did so; he suddenly realised what was so strange about the room, there were no photographs or personal effects of any kind. In a way, it reminded him of his own room, devoid of any kind of personality; whereas his was that way due to necessity, hers seemed to be that way out of choice.

A simple glass vase held the daisies when Ellisa entered the room again, "Aren't these from the Queen's garden?" She asked him, and Vivi nodded in reply. "I guess that's the advantage of knowing royalty, you can go pinch their flowers when you like."

"I asked first," He said defensively; despite how close they seemed, they were still essentially strangers and Vivi was aware of this. "I didn't mean to stay long, I was going to go and see Garnet today too,"

"Of course, sorry to keep you; I'll be around at some point."

He stood and headed towards the door, "Oh and Vivi?" He looked back to her, seeing that she was grinning evilly. "Twice," She said and he was a little confused as he left the room. Looking towards the daisies, Ellisa's smile became sadder, 'Why is it that the past catches you wherever you go?' She pondered, moving to pluck one of the simple white flowers from it's vase. 'I remember putting these on her grave, I only got to do it once,' She stroked a plain petal with one finger. 'Only once before that hag decided I was old enough to stop!'

SSS

Entry 11

I surprised Ellisa with a birthday present today, nothing huge just a box of chocolates and (with Garnet's permission) some daisies. I thought she was going to kill me - she hugged me that tightly! I go to all this effort of slowly getting better, only to be hugged to death by my doctor.

SSS

Entry 15

Dagger let me spend some time with the baby today, just holding her as Garnet had a bit of a rest (She looks more exhausted then I do, which at times is saying something.) Dagger told me that she and Zidane had chosen a name, but I'd have to wait until her announcement to find it out, I'm hoping I can get it out of Zidane by the end of the week.

Today has been a good day, after seeing Garnet I went to see Quina and s/he made me something good to eat (Really good chocolate fudge cake!) I love chocolate cake, for my 13th Birthday (awakening day, The day Quan caught me, whatever it technically is) my sons made me one, admittedly, they were all covered in flour when they brought it to me.

SSS

Entry 17

I got a reply from Mr. 288, who apologised for taking so long before telling me that I was (In a very polite and round-a-bout way,) an idiot, But he did admit that he would have done the same. He says that he doesn't remember being dead, but he knows that a good deal of time has passed without him. According to Mikoto he has emotionally aged the four years he missed, which means the boy's should do too (Making Calan 14 and Valian 10 when they come back in four years time.) Somehow, it feels like I've missed out a big chunk of their lives; but I've got to learn to live with that.

I've decided that Mikoto should try to bring them back, she did warn me that some of the other mages took longer to wake then the others (33 and 234 took a lot longer then 288 and 111). I never expected to see any of them again, so I'll be happy no matter how long they take.

SSS

Entry 32

It's the child's announcement in two days time, miraculously Zidane has managed to not tell me what her name is! With the announcement, most of the others will be here; I literally walked into Sir. Fratley today, who looked like he'd seen a ghost and touched my shoulder with his lance before leaving, I hope Freya will explain that to me.

Even worse then Freya and Sir. Fratley, Regent Cid is in the castle, he arrived yesterday; I really don't want to see him yet and Zidane realised this and let me eat alone in my room but pointed out that I'd have to face him eventually.

SSS

AN: An upcoming meeting, anxiety in a still fragil heart, just how will Princess Eiko Carol Fabool of Lindblum take her friends Suicide attempt? Find out next time in 'Shattered Soul.' 


	14. Princess Eiko Fabool Carol of Lindblum

Chapter 14 - Princess Eiko Fabool Carol of Lindblum

Saffire Raynius - Are these pins and needles painful? Rather like the ones I have in my foot (Shakes out foot.) Perfection, now that I wish I had; as I do not, I can give you only the update. I will admit, leaving it at the babes birth would have been an awful idea.

LottiRebel - Hehe, updating, with Eiko!

Gelendra - He is indeed, you think I can leave my precious boys dead? Highly recommended? I've never been that before, thank you very much.

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Entry 33

Vivi, you're being so strong; I just wanted to let you know how proud everyone is of you. Keep going, don't give up now; according to Zidane you're almost how you were before - from which I can gather you were a little morbid! Teasing aside, don't push yourself to hard, don't force yourself to speak to people too soon and take each day as it come.

Ellisa

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Entry 34

Note: Do not leave journal lying around, as Ellisa is clearly more nosy then I thought.

The announcement is tomorrow and I think it's best I talk to Eiko today - I know I'm worried because it's really really early and I'm writing this instead of sleeping … Need sleep. But, I really do think I should speak to Cid today so that I won't be carrying so much tension tomorrow. Of course, that means I've got to see Eiko too, who really reminds me of the boys; they loved her a lot and she loved them too. She spoilt them rotten, despite the fact Calan was the same age (is not was) and Sola kept flirting with her! I'm getting them back so, I don't need to feel worried about seeing Eiko.

SSS

The castle was bustling with activity as the mage made his way to the guest quarters, Zidane had told him that Regent Cid was staying in the Royal Suite and he had had to ask directions three times in order to find it. He stood outside the door for a short time, taking steps towards it before losing his nerve and moving back again. Getting annoyed with himself for doing this for a fifth time, Vivi clenched his hand into a fist and tapped on the door. Someone moved inside the room, and the long flowing gown of Lady Hilda came into view.

She did a double take, eyes going hastily to Vivi's now bright yellow ones; she graced him with a kindly smile. "My Vivi, I certainly never expected to see you today, Zidane informed us that you wished for some time alone." Hilda offered, with one hand to her lips. She did not hug or touch him and Vivi found that he was very glad; he had grown a lot less keen on physical contact recently.

"I - I change my mind,"

Someone let out a squeal and a person just shorter then the mage knocked him off his feet; Eiko wrapped him in a tight hug. "Eiko, get up now!" Hilda ordered, the ten year old did as her adopted mother told her to; Vivi picked himself up, adjusting his clothes and hat. "You must learn to show decorum at all times, you are the princess of Lindblum and you shall eventually become her Queen." Eiko rolled her eyes; she had heard the same thing almost every day for four years. "I am sure the last thing Vivi wants if you pouncing on him like that." In a sweeping gesture, Hilda motioned into the room. "Please come in Vivi, I'm sure that is what Eiko meant to say,"

Politely, he allowed Eiko to enter first and thanked Hilda, Regent Cid was seated by a desk and rose his head as they entered; Vivi and he locked eyes and a brief moment of understanding passed between the two before Vivi ducked his eyes. "I - I just ... wanted to … say thanks for … umm …" He managed to mess up the very short thank you he had spent most of the morning preparing.

"Think nothing of it, dear boy; how goes your recovery?"

It was a question that Vivi had dreaded in the past, but he had learnt people would not be angry with him for being honest; Ellisa had sat him down about two weeks before and lectured him about being honest with himself, it was a lesson that he had learnt once before. "According to Ellisa, slowly but steadily, I'm getting there," He knew that Cid knew of his injury, it had been the medic on the Hilda Garde IV that had treated him initially after all.

Eiko tugged him onto a nearby couch with her, "Dagger let me see the seating arrangements for the feast, I'm sitting next to you and you're next to Zidane. Freya, Sir. Fratley and Amarant are opposite us." She told the slightly bemused mage, "I can't wait to be announced as an auntie again, I haven't even seen her yet!"

"Queen Garnet wishes for you to wait Eiko," Hilda's tones held a mild scold but Vivi knew the tones from having used them himself and knew there was no real venom to hit. "You should respect her wishes,"

"But Vivi's seen her,"

The mage nodded in reply, "Yes I have," He told her; he really wanted to go on to explain what the babe looked like but appreciated Garnet and Zidane's decision to keep her a secret. "I was there when she was born," With a hint of his old humour, he looked towards Eiko with a small smile. "And I live here, and the babe has a strong set of lungs, it's very hard to avoid her."

"Come my dear," Cid offered up his arm to his wife and she took it. "We shall take our walk now; Eiko, please remember what I told you." With this, he and Hilda left.

Eiko spoke and Vivi listened and as he considered it, he realised that nothing had really changed; she told him how excited she was about becoming an aunt again, and about the Moogle Cid and Hilda had given her for her tenth birthday. She suddenly stopped and just looked at him; he looked back at her uncertainly. "I was expecting you to be all sleepy; father warned me that you might be,"

"Not any more, I was for a very long time,"

There was a long pause in which everything Vivi tried to say died on his tongue and he eventually just gave up trying. "Father refused to tell me what you did to yourself," She said shyly after a long time, her head was bowed and Vivi realised that Eiko was nervous and worried about asking him whatever she was going to ask him. "He told me you tried to … you know, but he didn't tell me how and I wondered …" Seeing no reason to hide what he had done, Vivi removed his glove pulling the coat sleeve back enough from his right wrist so that she could only see that single scar. When she heard the movement of fabric against his skin, she raised her head.

Tenderly, Eiko took his hand and turned it over so that she could see the scar fully; Vivi had expected her to be angry with him or for her to misunderstand the situation somehow but she just sat in silence looking at it, as if she realised how serious things had been. Cautiously with due care, Eiko ran a finger along the scar tissue and Vivi jerked his arm back with a slight stifled chuckle, "It's still really sensitive," He told her, covering it up again.

All at once to Eiko, he was Vivi again; he was not the teenager who had lost everything he felt he had but one of her dearest friends. "It was … so hard at first," She murmured and Vivi knew instantly what she was talking about. "I didn't want to face it at first, you know? I didn't want to face that they were gone." She did not look towards her and Vivi realised that this was part of her own healing. "I loved your sons Vivi, they were like brothers or something, even when Sola was flirting with me." She giggled slightly, remembering the flirty young mage. "And now I'll never get to see them again,"

Her bright emerald green eyes locked with Vivi's now brightly glowing yellow ones, "Eiko, Mikoto's found a way to bring them back." He told her, trying to ignore the shocked look Eiko was giving him. "It'll take a while for them to be back to their old selves and I still don't know if that's what I want to do but it's an option I can choose if I want." A teary-eyed Summoner wrapped the startled Black Mage in a hug and they stayed that way for some time.

SSS

AN: Can see myself coming under attack for the Ellisa thing, she's teasing him, trying to show him that things can return to somewhere near normal. That and she can be pretty nosy. Lol.

A name to be announced, a meeting to be had, find out what Garnet and Zidane will name their daughter in Chapter 15 'And I name her ...' 


	15. And I name her '

Shattered Soul

Chapter 15: 'And I name her ...'

Disclaimer: Haven't done a full one of these in a while, all characters that are recognised as such are property of Square Enix; therefore anyone you don't recognise is mine and they can only be used with permission. This fic is not for profit (Mores the pity, I need the cash) and if you wanted to archive it please ask first.

lottirebel - Hehe, I'll take the yelling as meaning you want me to keep going!

Gelendra - Every evening? Well ... you can rest assured now that updates will only be once a week or so because I haven't finished the chapter ahead of myself yet. I thought the stuff with Vivi and Eiko was pretty key to his getting better.

Saffire Raynius - Thank you Saffire, I really wanted the emotions of that moment to shine through, I rewrote it more times then I can count. As to miss nosy, nah, I like her like this! Lol.

AN: This is a beast of a chapter at nearly 4,000 words long! That's like reading a one shot.

SSS

Entry 35

I meant to update this yesterday, but after spending the day with Eiko I was really tired. Seeing Eiko again went really well, I was expecting her to be really superficial about all of this but she wasn't. She's the first person I've consciously shown my scar to, Zidane's seen it but I was in the mindset where I didn't really care about him seeing it. There was a long time where I just didn't care, everything seemed like too much effort and there was a time when I just hated him.

Maybe I should write that down too, sometimes I don't know what to write, I know this is my place to vent what I need to say so I might as well. When I was first brought back to the castle, I hated everyone; I hated Amarant the most because he directly saved my life, I hated Zidane for ordering the search for me. Most of all I hated myself, because I hadn't done it properly for all the planning that went into it. Being angry at yourself is the worse thing I think, I know I still am a little bit but I'm getting better now; when you're angry with yourself you can't yell and shout because you don't want others to know.

Of course, I won't get away from this anger, not until everything is in it's place in my head and that might take a while. But knowing it will go away makes me feel less trapped then I did before; then I didn't see it as being trapped, I saw life as the trap not the anger and grief. Some people believe (Ellisa's been telling me this) that suicide, alcoholism and those kind of things, stem from grief and being angry, and I guess she's right in my case. It's really easy to look back now and see myself as an idiot but then it seemed like I was just doing what was right. It's hard to feel like you have no where to turn, no where to go when you really need support because you know that no one will understand it.

But I'm not like that now, I sometimes feel a little down but I know that I don't need to be upset any more because I have things to look forwards to. Sometimes when I'm alone it gets harder to drive away the feelings that hurt me so much back then but I guess it's all part of what I'm going through.

SSS

Entry 36

I feel sick.

I wish that was all of it, but it's worse then just being sick. It's terrible, it's about 10am, the babe's announcement is in an hour's time and I'm shaking so badly that I spilt my drink down my front. I've always been a nervous person, and I'm content with that enough to get around it most times but now I know I've got a reason to be nervous. Today is a real judgement day for me, I've got Eiko to talk to, which makes me feel a little better but I still have to face so many people.

Firstly, there's 288 and Mikoto who arrived in the castle late last night according to Zidane, who woke me up at five this morning to make sure I wouldn't be late. I don't think I'm as worried about seeing them as I am about seeing some of the others, 288 isn't angry at me and I really need to talk to Mikoto about choosing what to do.

Then there's Freya, who I didn't find in the end; she's not spoken with me yet but I don't think she'll be angry with me. In Burmecia, Ellisa explained, suicide is rare and there is an outpouring of support for anyone who survives it (Hence the spear thing with Sir. Fratley). It's also the second time ever that I've seen their daughter Freyda, Burmecia infants are raised in near solitude as infants so I've no idea how old she is. I wonder how much she's grown and if she'll still be as fascinated by my hat as she was last time.

I've seen Beatrix, Steiner and Quina around the castle; Quina at least seems content to ignore everything. The last time I saw Steiner he questioned me about what I was doing for about fifteen minutes (Making me late for a play at Ruby's.) I haven't spoken to Beatrix but from what Zidane's said, she was the only one who seemed to understand that I didn't want to be saved.

By far the worst person I have to see is Amarant, somehow I don't think thank you quite covers it; and I'm not in the most huggable mood right now (I doubt he'd appreciate that either.) Even to myself it's hard to admit he saved my life, I was never really close to him when we journeyed together but he did save me; no one else knew what to do.

I feel so sick.

My stomach hurts and I don't think I'll be able to eat somehow.

SSS

The hall was busy with activity, lords and ladies from all over Gaia were there; Freya was just by the door with Sir. Fratley and their daughter Freyda. The female Dragon knight moved to join him, "Hello Vivi, you look well." She touched his shoulder with the same tenderness that Sir. Fratley had used with his spear a few days before. "I know most nations view -" She checked to see if anyone else was within hearing distance out of concern for his privacy. "- Suicide in a different way to Burmecian's, where as we focus on the positive nature of recovery they focus on the negativity and sorrow of the act itself." Freya explained to him, her tones full of friendly warmth and thoughtfulness. "You certainly seem to be recovering."

"I think I am, slowly,"

He followed her to where Fratley and Freyda stood; Vivi could have sworn Freyda was only a year old but looking at her now made him realise that she was not. She was standing on her own, and whilst she was a good bit shorter then everyone else she also held herself with pride and bearing. "Freya, how old is Freyda now?" Vivi queried just before they reached her family.

"She's three; don't feel worried because you didn't know that. In Burmecia it is traditional to wait a few years before a child is announced and seen by most of the world."

The mage was soon engaged in conversation with the small family, but his gaze was forever wandering around the room; a bored looking Eiko stood with Cid and Hilda, the princess wore an official gown that looked uncomfortable. Amarant was no where in sight and Vivi allowed himself a sigh of relief when he realised that the mercenary was going to be late and he would not have to face him yet. Quina had been drifting in and out, making sure that the ceremony had not started without him/her whilst also keeping an eye on the feast.

The members of Tantalus were dotted amongst the crowd, Ruby had dressed herself in more appropriate clothing for such en event but this did not cause a cease to the generous display of cleavage she gifted to anyone present when she bent over. Marcus and Blank were talking in a corner and Vivi had noticed that the nobles were giving them a wide berth. Baku was holding an animated discussion with Tot, whilst Cinna seemed to be trying to sneak off to the kitchens.

Beatrix and Steiner were standing by the doorway leading towards the room Garnet was in with her daughter; making sure that people did not try to see the child before the ceremony. Zidane seemed to be making the rounds on her behalf, flitting between the groups of people like a bird after nectar; he was currently speaking with two other Genome's and with a sharp intake of breath, Vivi realised who they were.

The taller of Zidane's companions wore the garb of a Black Mage, minus the pointed hat and Vivi was certain that the other one was Mikoto. The prototype Black mage had had no idea that 288 would be coming to the ceremony, he knew Mikoto would be because he had to talk to her and he had known that he was in the castle but his mind had not quite made the connection between the two. He wrenched his gaze from them, even looking at the Genome he thought was 288 reminded him of when the C type had stopped years before and that was painful for him.

"How's my favourite little niece doing?" A bright and excited voice asked and when Vivi looked up, Zidane was hugging Freyda. He exchanged words with Freya and Fratley before offering up a confidence boosting smile to Vivi, who nodded in return. The Genome talked with Freya, Fratley and Freyda for a time before making his exit.

Vivi followed Zidane a little way and caught him by the sleeve, the erstwhile thief looked to him expectantly. "Zidane, the Genome with Mikoto is a mage isn't he?" The mage asked softly, he was not sure that he wanted to ask if it was 288 directly no matter how much sense that made.

A beaming smile was gifted him, "Yep and I think you know who it is," Vivi nodded by way of reply but could not find the strength to return the smile. "He was asking after you, I wasn't sure if you'd want to speak to him today so I said that maybe you'd speak to him tomorrow."

"Thanks Zidane,"

"It's no big deal Vivi, that's what friends are for." Zidane offered, his cheeky grin growing as he did so. The official bell heralding the start of the ceremony tolled and Zidane took a deep breath. "Well, here goes; I've never done anything like this before, wish me luck."

"Good luck Zidane,"

Chuckling, Zidane gave Vivi's shoulder a quick squeeze before dashing into the hall; pushing his was through the crowd. Someone grabbed Vivi by the hand and forcefully pulled him into the hall; the mage did not resist Eiko's tug and soon found himself sitting besides her. Regent Cid was on the podium with the Alexandrian royal family, Freya and all the others who would give speeches and blessings. Vivi was very quick to note that Eiko had sat away from any of the others, Lady Hilda was seated in the front row and the only person Vivi recognised near at hand was Ruby; however, there were many empty chairs still. The seats around them slowly filled, Cinna sat besides Vivi with Marcus and Blank; the hammer wielder greeted Vivi with a nudge to the ribs. "Hey Vivi," He offered brightly. "Hey Princess Eiko,"

Eiko lent over Vivi to look at Cinna, "Oh, hi Cinna," she greeted in her typically bright and irrepressible way. "It's been a while since I saw you," The two talked over Vivi for a while, who was still feeling a little queasy and did not mind them doing it. He watched with a good degree of amusement as Zidane talked with energetic motions to Cid up on the podium; before his eyes wandered to where a smiling Garnet sat talking to Freya with the white clad child in her arms. He barely noticed when two figures moved into the seats in front of him but a flash of golden fur caught his eyes; neither noticed him and Vivi prayed feverishly that they would fail to notice him.

A polite hush fell over the hall as the official blessings began, but it did not take long for people to start whispering again; Cinna and Blank were all but asleep and Vivi was equally bored with the pointless droning of nobles blessing the new princess. Eiko pinched his arm slightly and he looked to her, "Who's the Genome with Mikoto?" She asked him in a whisper, not wanting to be overheard. Not sure that he could actually say it himself he held up two fingers, followed by eight and eight, "Really?" Came Eiko's sharp hissed reply and Vivi nodded in response. "Wow, he and Mikoto are pretty close now; look at their tails."

Wondering what tails had to do with anything, Vivi did as she said and smiled when he saw they were intertwined. "They're so shameless," Eiko huffed slightly and before he could fully realise what she was going to do she had planted her foot onto one of the tails, the heel of her shoe digging into the appendage.

There was a sharp hiss from the Genome in front of her and the yellow-eyed one turned to face her, he gave a vague glower for a few moments before a familiar tan hat drew his gaze to Vivi. Nothing was said as the two looked at one another; 288 offered up a very small sad smile, almost as if he were saying sorry with a look. "Hey Mr. 288, get a room." Eiko hissed, her adopted father was making the announcement of the child's aunts and uncles and it would be Zidane's job to announce her Godfather after Garnet had told the court her name. "You can let her go for two minutes you know,"

"Arr, it's you Princess Eiko,"

"Don't 'arr it's you' me, let her go."

"Eiko, don't be so rude," Vivi whispered, he never would have dreamed of telling her to do such a thing in the past but all he had gone through more recently had taught him that people would not be angry with him for speaking his mind. Neither he nor 288 had looked away from each other, "Hi," He offered in a very small voice, not quite sure what to say after that.

"Hello Vivi, Mikoto and I need to talk to you at some point,"

"O - Okay,"

Zidane and Garnet took to the podium and a complete hush filled the room as Garnet moved to the front. "I accept the blessings of Puck of Burmecia via his delegate Freya Crescent and those of Regent Cid Fabool of Lindblum." She smiled widely at the two, with a slight bow of her head. "It is my pleasure to announce, Sarah Til Alexanderos the first, the new heir of Alexandria." There was a polite round of applause.

Another elbow dug Vivi in the ribs and he looked towards Eiko, "I thought that was Dagger's name," She said and he nodded in reply. "I wonder who the Godfather is, dad was a little baffled that it wasn't him but I don't think it bothers him any more." Vivi forced himself to stay quiet, Eiko would find out who Sarah's Godfather was soon enough. "And how come it has to be a Godfather anyway?"

"Alexandrian tradition," The Black Mage supplied softly, "If there's a Queen ruling then the Godparent has to be male and close to the Prince Consort - which Zidane isn't really, he's just a prince."

Zidane took Garnet's place, "Choosing Sarah's Godfather wasn't an easy job," He said, the smile that Vivi associated with Sarah's birth on his face. "I've got a lot of friends who I'd have loved to do it but tradition states that she can only have one. For me, and for Garnet, the person we have in mind was pretty much who we intended all along. Traditionally, the chosen person gives a speech but he's decided not too and I can't blame him for that, it's boiling up here." There was a small chuckle from the gathering, "That and I can't imagine him in formal wear." Vivi looked down his front, wondering what was wrong with his clothing that it could not count as formal wear. "It is my pleasure to announce that Sarah's God father is Vivi Orunitia," The nobles clapped politely whilst Eiko stared at him opened mouthed.

If it were possible, Vivi would have blushed a deep red and hidden himself away; Zidane had been conscious of the fact that Vivi would not have wanted a fuss and so surrendered the podium to Garnet again. "You knew?" Eiko hissed at last, fixing him with a hard look, which Vivi consider preferable to a nudge in the ribs. He nodded and hid his eyes, "That's a really big secret to hide from your friends Vivi," She scolded.

"It wasn't easy 'Ko,"

She was soon more interested in something else, for which Vivi was very grateful because he hated being the centre of attention. She looked towards 288 and Mikoto again, the reborn mage was holding Mikoto's hand in her lap. "Did you even know they were a couple?" Eiko asked of Vivi, who took a little while to realise what she was talking about, before following her gaze with a smile.

"No," He told her truthfully, "I haven't spoken to anyone very much except you, Zidane, Garnet and Ellisa." Eiko looked towards him and he shrugged, "It seems right though doesn't it?" He asked her, 288 and Mikoto had always been close as friends, Vivi remembered how desperately Mikoto had tried to save the erstwhile C types life.

"It's gross,"

"Why is it? Your parents are like that sometimes. They seem happy."

Eiko shook her head, "They so are not Vivi." She said defensively, crossing her arms about her chest. "Since when did you get so sentimental?" Vivi shrugged, he did not think he was being sentimental just truthful. "They're like a couple of teenagers!"

"How would you know? You're not even a teenager yet,"

"I still see what teenagers are like,"

He shook his head; he should have expected this kind of answer from Eiko. "I can't see why it's bothering you." He admitted, "They're not hurting anyone." The hint of a tease met Vivi's manner, "Unless you fancy 288 because he looks like Zidane now of course."

Eiko blushed heavily, "I so do not!" She said aloud, causing everyone nearby to look towards them and Vivi ducked his head. "It was his fault," Eiko insisted pointing at Vivi, everyone soon turned away from them and focused on Zidane and Garnet again. "Do you have any idea how gross that idea was?" She asked him in a whisper.

"I was just teasing you,"

"I mean, he's a Black Mage."

Vivi looked towards her, "And what's wrong with being a Black Mage?" He asked her, part of him knowing that she was just trying to wind him up because he had managed to wind her up. Just as he was about to contend the point for his very limited species - which, when he considered it, was incredibly limited; there was only one true Black Mage left but there were six Genome mages - Zidane announced that the feast in Sarah's honour was about to be served.

Once again, the Mage allowed Eiko to guide him, politely pulled out her chair for her before sitting down himself. He sat silently besides her, eating very little; he listened intently but seldom contributed to the during dinner conversation. 288 looked down the long table towards him again, "He seems well," Mikoto mused when she noticed her companions distraction. "Obviously his mind still lingers over why, for it is said that no parent should outlive their child, but Sarah's birth has given him focus."

"We need to give him a better reason Mikoto,"

"And he will have it, if he truly wants it."

Someone came up behind them and Zidane stuck his head between the two, "So, 288 what do you intend for my little sister?" The erstwhile thief hero of Gaia asked of him, 288 and Mikoto looked to one another, neither understanding what Zidane was saying. Realising that they were confused, Zidane gave a big grin, "Are you a couple now?" Mikoto's calm outer appearance reddened with a blush and her brother's grin grew wider. "I'll take that as a yes then, you better not do anything to hurt her."

"That's the last thing I intend to do,"

Zidane sat in a vacant seat besides 288, "I'm just teasing you." He assured the mage simply. "What were you whispering about anyway?" He asked, 288 looked down the table; Zidane followed his gaze, eyes instantly finding his wife and daughter. "Are you getting broody Mikoto?" He teased again good naturedly, before noticing the real direction of 288's eyes. "He's doing pretty well today huh?"

"I certainly couldn't have faced so many people as bravely as he has," 288 admitted, looking to Zidane, who found himself slightly unnerved by the rich yellow eyes that were tinged vaguely by the natural blue of a Genomes. "But I think we'll wait for him to come to us,"

"I wouldn't if I was you, he might never get around to it," He thought for a while, "But saying that he did go and see Eiko, I never expected him to want to do that alone."

288 smiled slightly, "I think he knows that he has to face people; that living in a void will not make him happy." Mikoto nodded in agreement, "He knows that people can cope alone but he also knows the value of living with others, he accepts that locking himself away is not going to make him feel any better about everything."

"Yeah, I guess," Zidane agreed as the noble whose chair he had stolen returned. "Well, I'd better get back to Garnet, just wanted to ask you two about stuff." He bowed his head apologetically to the noble before doing as he said.

Mikoto's gaze followed him back, "What does broody mean?" She asked of 288 uncertainly, who shrugged, his own eyes wandering again to Vivi. The small mage seemed to be more then content just listening to people talk and 288 realised that Vivi had always been the kind of person to listen, someone who did not like to draw attention to himself by talking. 'And yet he gains attention without wanting it, he cannot escape people's attention,' 288 thought sadly, eyes drifting back to his food. 'Before he could shield behind the act of being a father, but he doesn't have that again yet.'

SSS

Entry 37

I'm actually fighting the urge to dance around the room and yell 'I did it' at the top of my lungs. I'm really tired now but I managed to speak to so many people and now I just feel kind of excited. I know I've got more people to see, 288 and Mikoto firstly. Also, I didn't see Amarant at all, I know he was there because Zidane mentioned some of the nobles being in a bit of a state due to his presence but I get the feeling he was just giving me space.

I felt a lot like my old self today, if that's possible, I even descended into playful teasing with Eiko which I couldn't have done five months ago. (I didn't want to face her after the boys had died.) She kept bringing attention to the fact that 288 and Mikoto are together, I can't see why it bothers her so much but I've never really been able to work Eiko out.

SSS

AN: Saffire's heard this defense before, but I had too! Lol.

Four years, a different form, is talking to the revived like talking to the dead? Find out in 'Shattered Soul' Chapter 16. 


	16. Meeting for the first time again

Gelendra - Thank you, am glad that you're still with me

Saffire Raynius - Thank you Saffire, I really try to keep these guys in character. I'm really glad that you could actually feel like you were in the court with Vivi. He isn't ready for love yet (And it never really enters into it) As to Sarah ... you're really gonna hate what I do to her in the next fic - that's all I'll say on the matter. I think Vivi really needed a polite Kick up the backside (again, lol) which the announcement provided.

AN: Because I couldn't finish the next half of this, this chapter is shorter then I expected. Bloody Amarant would not play ball!

SSS

The next day found Mikoto in the library, talking with Tot about the methods she had used to restore 288 and the other mages. The erstwhile c type moved down the steps to sit close by, his tail flicking at the tip in a way Mikoto had come to associate with being concerned and worried. "Have you seen Vivi yet?" Mikoto asked him after she had finished her explanation, which had driven Tot into thoughtful silence and pacing.

"No, Quina mentioned something but s/he sometimes confuses me,"

The two Genome's lapsed into thoughtful silence, neither noticing as the prototype mage descended the steps; Vivi shuffled uncomfortably, unsure of what to say to either one. "Umm … hi," He settled on at last in a painfully small and slightly squeaky voice; he coughed to clear his throat, drawing 288's yellow hued eyes first, a fond smile lighting his Zidane like features. "I - I thought I'd better come find you," Ducking his head anxiously, not sure how either one would react to him.

"Hello Vivi," Mikoto greeted simply, as if she had seen him everyday for years. 288 and Vivi just looked at one another in silence; the body 288 now inhabited looked as if it belonged to someone in their late teens or early twenties, maybe only two years older then Mikoto. Besides his eyes and clothing, 288 looked much like any other Genome Vivi had encountered but the aura of power he emitted set him apart from any other Genome. "We have a lot to talk about," Mikoto reminded them both, as if appreciating that neither would say anything without being prompted. "Please take a seat Vivi,"

Obediently, Vivi did so, sitting a little apart from Mikoto and 288. "What have you decided to do?" Mikoto queried, the last time they had met she had been desperately trying to save 288's life but everything she had said had held medical precision and coldness; Vivi had always consider her to be a little detached from life. But, he had noticed at the feast and announcement that she always looked towards 288 in a very caring way; it was the same way that he had seen Garnet look at Zidane and he knew exactly what it meant.

"I'd like to bring them back, please,"

"I hoped that would be your answer," 288 said with a wide smile, Vivi had never really associated the severe C type with smiling but it seemed right in a Genome. "I know I can never assure you that I remember nothing of what happened to me but you're making the right decision Vivi."

"I hope so, I couldn't live with myself if I'd taken them away from a better place."

288 rested a hand on his arm, drawing Vivi's eyes to him. "At home with their father is the best place they could be." He promised gently, smiling at the younger mage. "No place can replace the love of a parent,"

No matter how hard he tried to suppress it, Vivi's desire to ask 288 a key question refused to leave him. "Mr. 288, can you still … cast magic?" He asked very gently, as if he were afraid that the answer would be no. The idea of a mage without magic was worrying for Vivi, who tried hard to imagine a life without it. Suddenly he realised that this was exactly what his life had been for a long while but he was not going to cast again yet, slamming the door on Zidane with the blizzard spell had drained him so much that Vivi feared to cast again.

There was a breath soft whisper from 288 that Vivi did not instantly recognise, but soon the Genome held a small Fire spell in his palm. "At first we did fear it was lost but once 288 and the other became acclimatized to manipulating a Genome's form their magic returned." Mikoto explained softly, "It is the acclimatization process that takes so long. After the soul is inserted, it takes about two years for the Genome to show any change, after that it took a further two years for a full soul to show itself."

288 snuffed out the spell and Vivi silently thought about what Mikoto was saying, "Four years." He murmured softly. "It seems like such a long time," He admitted, eyes on his hands. "Will I be able to come and visit them sometimes?"

"I wouldn't recommend it," Mikoto advised, "It was distressing enough for me to realise that they could all remember but not access memories key to themselves." Vivi nodded in understanding, knowing all too well that it was memories that helped to give a person their sense of self. "I shall write to you when I can with detailed reports about their recovery, and feel free to write to them, but I will warn you not to expect a reply."

"I can write to them?"

Mikoto nodded, "I see no reason for you not too," She smiled slightly and Vivi realised that he had never seen her do so before. "Even if they fail to remember everything about you, they will remember you for who you are. I would wait two years if I was you." Vivi nodded, knowing that before this time there would be no point.

He looked again to 288 who seemed comfortable in his Genome form, "What's it like?" Vivi asked drawing 288's strange, off yellow, coloured eyes. "Becoming a Genome?"

There was a thoughtful pause as 288 considered his answer, "It's rather like shrinking," He said thoughtfully. "I vaguely remember being a Mist mage, it felt different somehow. Mages are stockier," Vivi nodded, he could agree with that easy enough because he himself was a little on the plump side. "Genome's are very lithe, but heavier somehow."

"Because mist is light," Vivi suggested and 288 nodded in agreement.

"Then there are tails of course,"

There was a slight laugh from Mikoto and Vivi thought it was one of the most interesting things he had heard; she had a very light laugh, one which seemed to be very natural and not at all forced. "A subject of bitterness in many of the other mages, 33 and 111 hide theirs, and 56 has trapped his in more doors then anyone can remember." 288 flinched slightly as she mentioned this and Vivi realised that he had trapped his own many times. "He often walked around the village with a bandage around it,"

"I wonder what the boys will do,"

288 smiled at this pondering, glad to see that Vivi was comfortable with the fact that his sons would no longer look the same. "If you'll forgive us Vivi, we were waiting for your answer before leaving today; I'm keen to get started, for the sooner I start, the sooner you shall have your boys returned." Mikoto apologised as she stood, 288 did the same. "It was a pleasure to see you again,"

Vivi stood too, out of etiquette and bowed his head slightly. "The same to you," He replied but both could see that he was still thinking about what they had said. 288 said nothing as he left, but squeezed Vivi's shoulder quickly on his way out. The mage sat down again, eyes lingering on the seat Mikoto had sat in.

SSS

Entry 38

I know I have to make an entry, but I really can't think of anything to write.

I spoke to Mikoto and 288 today about bringing the boys back and funnily enough, all I can think about now is tails! I know you can't hear me, but I'm giggling right now; just imagining what the boys will get up to with the added bonus of a tail is making me smile.

I'm also trying to guess who will hide theirs away, I think Calan will because it'd get in the way. Sola will keep his on show because it'll make him even more attractive to the young women of the court. I can't see Nicara or Ollan being bothered either way. Turo will keep his on show for practical reasons, I'm worried about the pranks he'll pull already! And Valian will probably hide his so that he can look like me.

I know I should probably be focusing on something less frivolous then tails but I really can't think of anything else to focus on.

SSS

AN: Next up a chapter I never intended. Lol.

A meeting with someone else, someone who he was unsure about meeting. What other things must Vivi face before he can feel at rest. 


	17. A very Tricky Puzzle

Shattered Soul - Chapter 17 - A very Tricky puzzle

Saffire Raynius - Thanks Saffire, Mikoto and 288 were an odd pairing but something does seem kind of right you know. Chapter is getting finished ... bloody Amarant!

LottiRebel - Lol, nah, you don't. Can you email me please Lotti? I drew something for a friend and I think you'll like it!

SSS

Entry 39

It's been two days now since Sarah's announcement and the castle finally seems to be getting back to normal.

Normal.

I don't think normal ever existed here, but this is close enough. Zidane collared me today (Not quite literally) when I was about to sneak to the kitchens for a snack and told me that Amarant was still about if I wanted to talk to him. Which I do, but I just don't know what to say; I haven't known what to say to anyone recently, which has made me feel really awkward.

SSS

Despite autumns approach, the day was bright and the mage went for a walk in the gardens; his pace was unhurried as he made his way towards the rose gardens that had been Brahne's pride and joy when she had been alive. "Hey kid," A growling voice spooked Vivi slightly and he looked towards the nearby grass area; Amarant sat cross-legged on it. "Decided to stick with us then?"

Vivi moved to a nearby bench and sat down, "Yeah," He tried to think how to go on but his mind drew nothing but blanks. Amarant's understanding of what he had gone through just over three months before had shocked him and Vivi was unsure of what to say.

The mercenary remained where he was, nothing about his manner changing. "How's your puzzle?" Vivi allowed himself a slight smile when he saw that Amarant was actually concerned.

"I think I've got nearly all the bits now, but the bits I'm missing make it seem like I can't complete it."

There was a scoff of laughter from Amarant, "That's a good way of looking at it," Vivi was starting to see that he had initially judged Amarant wrongly; the mage had always assumed that the brooding mercenary was merely a good fighter and not the deep soul he seemed to be. "But you'll get there eventually, you know where most of the missing bits are and when you're going to get them back," The red headed mercenary hinted, drawing Vivi's eyes. "The brat told me,"

Briefly, Vivi fought annoyance; he did not like feeling it and he seldom did but Eiko had spread his secret around the castle as if it were petty gossip. "You've got another bit besides your kids," Amarant said simply, Vivi looked towards him questioningly. "I'm not telling you what it is; you have to find it on your own." Understanding this, Vivi nodded in reply.

There was a long uncomfortable silence, "I've tried so hard to find the right way to say this," Vivi said at last, yellow eyes hidden by the brim of his hat; Amarant knew better then to look at the shy, quiet natured teen and kept his own head bowed. "But I never was really any good with words." Amarant allowed himself a hidden snort of laughter; there were some times when Vivi's use of words was very keen and heartfelt. "Thanks Amarant, I didn't appreciate anyone effort before, but thanks for saving me."

Thoroughly embarrassed, Vivi stood and made his way back to the castle without waiting for a reply; hidden eyes watched him leave and Amarant let himself smile a little. Whilst he had never made the effort to get close to Vivi, there was something in him that Amarant felt he understood better then anyone else. Despite having tried to take his own life, Vivi was a survivor, someone who seemed very delicate but had a lot of internal strength; if only he would see it. For all his anxiety, shyness and melancholy, Vivi was someone who refused to give up, even if he sometimes seemed to.

He heard Zidane coming but did not react to the Genome as he sat besides him, "Hey Amarant, was that Vivi?" He queried, it was a pointless question, for Amarant knew that Zidane had been watching them; the mercenary did not reply. "So, what do you think? He's pretty much better isn't he?" The stupidity of the question struck Amarant but he did not show it, sitting impassively on the grass.

"He's never going to be 'better' monkey,"

Zidane's tail flicked from side to side at its tip, a sure sign of aggravation, "Yeah well, he's not suicidal any more," He insisted, "And that's good enough for me," Amarant rolled his hidden eyes in exasperation, fairly sure it was this kind of 'good enough' approach that had led to Vivi's descent into depression to start with. "It was a good thing you found him, I was a little sceptical about you coming at first but no one else could've done what you did to save him."

"You're ignoring one fact monkey,"

Zidane scoffed, "I'm probably forgetting more the one thing Amarant," He admitted. "What am I forgetting this time?" He asked, actually wanting to know what Amarant knew that he did not.

"You can't help someone who doesn't want help,"

The Genome smiled and nodded in agreement with the mercenary, "Like white magic only works on people who want to be healed," He offered simply, there was a slight nod from Amarant. "So, Vivi must've changed his mind about wanting to die at some point," He mused thoughtfully, his tail now curling and uncurling in a thoughtful way.

"He didn't mean for it to go as far as it did,"

"You're saying he slit his wrist by accident?"

Amarant shook his head in reply, "I'm saying he never meant to let all this stuff drag him down so far," He stood, towering over the Genome. "The kid isn't so stupid as to think suicide's an easy way out." He started to walk away, "Kid's still got one more bit to fit in," He said looking back towards Zidane.

"Yeah, I know, and I think he knows it too,"

Having said all that he intended on the subject, Amarant made a small wave gesture with one hand and trudged towards the castle. Zidane pondered briefly on how long it would be before he saw the mercenary again, but knew predicting such things was like predicting the weather; you could do it well enough but never be quite right. Zidane flopped backwards so that he was looking at the sky; so much had happened in the last year that it almost seemed to overshadow their adventures. It seemed like the group was drifting apart, Sarah's announcement had been the first time the Genome had seen Eiko in over a year and somehow it was worrying to see that they were no longer as close as they had once been.

He leapt to his feet, knowing that dwelling on things that could not be changed was useless; he did not have the time to worry about things that he could do little to change any more, he was a father and his daughter and wife needed him. The Genome walked towards the castle, eyes drifting to one side and he saw several flashes of pale blue; he did a double take to find that the path was empty. "Weird," He muttered, slowly walking inside.

SSS

Entry 40

I finally spoke to Amarant and it was nothing like I expected it to be, then again I didn't really know what to expect in the first place. I think he was trying to tell me that I've done okay so far but I've still got a little way to go and I know he's right, because I can feel it in myself that I still have so much more to do. It's all very well my saying that I can wait for the boys to come back but I know in my heart that this is going to be very difficult.

I get the feeling that I don't really need to keep a journal any more, I don't have as much to write any more and that makes it seem that maybe I'm getting better in my own way.

Oh, before I completely forget; Zidane and Garnet told me the other day that they intend to raise Sarah themselves without relying on a nanny. I'm not sure if it will work, they've still got to do their royal duties and caring for a child is hard work. I'm not saying that I don't believe in them, I do but I don't think Zidane realises how much work this is going to be. Raising six children the youngest of which hatched with the mental age of a four year old has taught me that maybe being a parent is more difficult then it looks.

I get the feeling that being a parent is something you have to experience yourself, not something that another person can tell you; I never had the advantage of seeing how my parents were with me because I never had that relationship. It's not something I really feel bad about, you can't miss something you never had; I'm alright with who I am enough to not worry about being created, it's something that I can't change.

SSS

AN: YAY! Amarant did as he was told.

Things to be said, something to be found, find out just what I mean in Chapter 18. 


	18. Magic, admittance and thank you's

Chapter 18 - Magic, admittance and thank you's

AN:

Hiei owns my soul: all at once? You have a death wise dontcha? Lol.

Saffire: (Much glompage) Thanks Saffire, I was being a bit mopy about about all this and it was very kind of you to leave a review. Thanks.

SSS

Autumn besieged Alexandria castle with the audacity of a warring nation, stealing away the warmth of summer and replacing it with nipping nights. Snuggled into his bed, Vivi blew into his cupped hands, desperately trying to warm himself up; realising that lying in his nightshirt was not warming him up, Vivi got out of bed and quickly changed. Under a year before, he would have used a spell to light the fire but he still did not feel strong enough to risk casting anything; he left his room, going in search of a lightened fire.

His footsteps carried him towards the hall, Garnet sat at breakfast, she looked exhausted but happy too; she smiled as she noticed him, motioning that he should join her. "Good morning Vivi," She greeted brightly, looking up from her breakfast. "A bit early for you is it not?" Vivi was a big fan of lying in in the mornings; when he had been recovering this was simply because he did not have the strength to get up and face the world but now it was more out of choice. Vivi's only reply was a very small smile of acknowledgement. "There's some tea in the pot if you want it, and some toast on the rack."

He moved to sit a little way down the table from her, pouring himself a cup of tea from a silver plated teapot and taking a piece of toast from the matching toast rack. "Is Sarah okay?" He asked politely before starting on his toast; he was determined not to rely on seeing the child everyday as there was a chance that she would grow up to hate him and so he could not rely on her to be his grounding; she could not be his reason.

"Yes, yes," Garnet said dismissively, "She's fine, continually wailing her discontent, but fine."

It did not take Vivi much to see that the Queen was a little put out by people's constant enquiries about Sarah without asking about her as well. "Are you okay too?" He asked her, eyes on buttering his toast.

Rich brown eyes looked directly into glowing yellow ones as Vivi looked up, for a instant Garnet looked extremely happy, almost as if no one had asked her in a long while and she was savouring the moment. "A bit tired but I feel alright, thank you Vivi," He nodded his head slightly, showing her that it was all right. "What about you?"

"I'm okay, thanks,"

Nothing more was said as the mage finished his tea and toast, "I'm going for a walk now, I hope I get to see you later," He offered as he stood. He left the main hall, making his way out to the gardens; he was in no particular hurry to get anywhere, he was beginning now to wish that there were something he could do around the castle. On reflection, Vivi realised that he had spent most of his time there caring for his sons and guiding them through their magicks; without them to distract him, Vivi was beginning to see how boring Alexandria was for a boy of his age.

There was a very obvious solution to this problem and that was travel; however, he doubted that Zidane and the others would allow him to do so. It was indisputable that the mage had wanderlust and he was gradually building up the courage enough to ask Zidane if he could go somewhere else for a little while; he knew the Outer Continent was out of the question but he did not care. Freya and Puck had both invited him to stay with them in Burmecia many times before, Eiko had spent a great deal of time begging him to sojourn in Lindblum for a while and Treno was always an option. There was another more exciting alternative open to him, request to join Tantalus; become a travelling performer.

However, there was a huge flaw in this plan because Vivi was incredibly shy.

The last option held the greatest appeal, Tantalus was well travelled and something in Vivi missed being able to see the world; his young mind was soon embroiled in a wild flight of fancy in which he was travelling with them as a stage hand. "I get a bit worried when you look so thoughtful," A voice offered from nearby, drawing his eyes to Zidane; the grinning Genome was sitting in a nearby tree's balding branches, legs over one side of it and his tail over the other. "What were you thinking about?"

All his collected courage vanished in an instant, "Nothing," Vivi lied; he was not ready to ask Zidane yet, not ready to face the inevitable rejection his idea would get because Vivi knew in his heart it was far too soon. But a boy could dream.

Nothing was said for a while, it was a silence that Vivi could sense Zidane wanted to ask a question into but he was trying to find the right way to ask it. "Vivi," He said at last, "This is gonna sound a little harsh but what kind of mage doesn't cast magic?" This snapped Vivi's gaze up to him and for a few moments the Genome feared that he had gone too far, but the teen soon ducked his head.

"I don't," Vivi mumbled, looking at his crimson-gloved hands for a time. "I can't," He clenched his hands into fists, not raising his gaze. "The last time I …"

"Had just lost a hell of a lot of blood, and shouldn't have been casting in the first place," Zidane threw in, jumping from his perch to move to Vivi's side. "Just imagine the people's reactions if they hear that you've given up your magic; Gaia's Black mage hero, it's most powerful black mage, it's more powerful mage!" Zidane grew more passionate as he spoke; if he could have then Vivi would have blushed.

"I felt so weak,"

The Genome looked towards him, "Like I was … abusing …" He thought for a little while, "Like I was stealing my bodies strength to cast." Vivi's eyes held a distant look as he spoke, the mage was losing himself in how he had felt that day. "It used to flow, like I was some kind of channel off a greater stream, but it hurt a little bit that day."

Zidane said nothing, just lending his ear to mage; when it seemed that he had finished the Genome crouched to his level. "You were tired Vivi, not just in your body but in that complex soul of yours as well." He said in understanding, "I don't think you're tired any more, I know facing something that was hard in the past is difficult but we've never run away from things because they're difficult." He smiled widely as Vivi looked up for a moment, "Vivi, I don't want you to be hurt; I wouldn't have asked you if I thought that you'd get hurt."

"I don't deserve magic any more," Vivi's tones were sad as he spoke. "I turned my back on it," Zidane was starting to realise now that Vivi felt a great deal of guilt for not casting the magic that came naturally to him. "One spell in -" He thought for a little while, mentally counting the months. "- nearly half a year …"

"Don't be so hard on yourself, it's only been three and a half months." Zidane scolded, "Why can't you see how well you're doing?" It was clear to everyone else that Vivi's recovery had been comparatively short and self-made. "Sarah was born, me and Garnet waited two months or so but we couldn't wait any longer then that before announcing her. Ellisa told us you were technically better, well enough to seem it anyway." Vivi knew that Ellisa and Zidane had spoken of his progress but he was not aware how much so. "We kind of forced you to recover."

"Not really, I had to get better."

The Genome smiled to himself, "Yeah, you did," He started to walk towards the part of the castle given over to the training of knights; he looked back over his shoulder casually, "Are you coming or not?" He did not wait for a reply and was relieved to hear the mage catch him up.

The knights training ground was not much to look at but it served it's purpose well enough; there was a ring for bare fist or sword fighting, a few practice dummies and some targets. Some of the targets had arrow holes in them but even more had burn marks and patches of spell residue from when Vivi had been teaching his sons. "Pick a target and frag it," Zidane invited with a mischievous grin.

The mage stood for a little while, as if choosing a target but Zidane knew he was stalling. Finally selecting one of the dummies, Vivi stood side on, ready to cast; in a desperate whirl of consciousness, each of his spells clamoured for his attention. Doomsday's bass tones seemed the most persuasive but Vivi ignored him; he did the same with Flare, comet and meteor, focusing instead on his weaker but preferred spells. The whole process took only a few seconds to the outside world but to Vivi it seemed as if a decade had passed him by. "Time has passed," He murmured under his breath, "Since you were last called; please come to me, the fire within, strength of my soul." He looked directly at his target, "Fire!"

The raw, unrestrained spell energy formed around him in an arcane circle, lighting the air with its glow; it leapt from the mages hands like a well-trained beast to explode on the target, instantly knocking it over. There was not time for him to savour this victory as the fire was at risk of spreading. "Water," With skill befitting his experience, Vivi commanded the spell to extinguish the fire. With this done, he sank to the ground, he shoulders shuddering with what Zidane assumed were tears. A bright light shone out from the mage, as the blues and silvers of an emotionally driven trance took hold; tentatively, Zidane moved to rest a hand on his shoulder, yellow eyes looked up towards him. "I did it," He said in an awed voice, eyes going to his hands. "I never expected to cast again," He was not crying, the Genome noticed but laughing to himself, a sound not heard in Alexandria for some time. "I was so certain it had gone away or that my mind would block it."

"What do you mean block it? You're a Black Mage; your magic is what you are."

"I know,"

The mage offered no more on the subject and Zidane left it; Vivi had had a lot of his secret thoughts and feelings wrenched from him recently and the king doubted that what Vivi was going to say was life threatening. "I bet you could do with lunch now," Zidane offered with a broad grin, he offered the mage a hand up and Vivi took it. As they walked, Vivi's trance wore down, slipping away from him gradually; the two were in no hurry and took the longest route back to the main castle.

"Thanks Zidane," Vivi's voice was very soft as he spoke, confused as to what he meant Zidane looked his way; the mage was himself again, his body no longer shining with Trance light. "I've been so ungrateful," as Zidane opened his mouth, Vivi raised a hand, "Please, I need to say this," The Genome nodded, letting the mage say what he needed to. "In a way it was easier to say thanks to Amarant, I don't have to see him every day."

The mage stood for a time in silence, "I hated you," He admitted, his eyes on the ground. "I didn't think I could, you're my best friend but I did. I didn't … when you sat besides me it changed, besides Ellisa you were the only one brave enough to do it and that meant a lot to me." He rose his gaze slowly to Zidane, "Thanks for saving me, I didn't appreciate it before but I do now." Smiling to himself, Zidane touched his shoulder, before realising this was fiendishly inadequate and wrapping him in a hug.

This soon became awkward, especially when Zidane realised that Vivi had approached the age when he grew uncomfortable with hugs and so he released the mage. "You want to know something?" Zidane queried, causing Vivi to nod, "I wasn't too keen on you for a while either." He admitted looking anywhere but at Vivi. "I was so used to you being polite and sensitive but when you got back you were more … teenaged." Both chuckled at this, "I'm really glad that you're feeling better, because I really missed you."

SSS

Entry 42

Today was interesting; I'm not sure how else I can describe it. To my great relief I can still cast magic, it's still within me when I thought it would abandon me. Magic is just like creativity, if you do something you shouldn't then it feels like it abandons you and that you can do nothing to get it back. It's hard to explain to anyone else what it's really like because it's one of the things that you have to experience yourself to really understand. Needless to say, it was scary, to loose something it seems that you've had forever, I knew it was there, brooding beneath all my muddled feelings but I never knew that I'd get at it again.

I was also struck today by how bored I'm growing with Alexandria, I've lived here since I was eleven years old (I spent two years in the BMV) and now I'm starting to get a little bored of it. Nothing different really happens here and I'm not really sure if I want to spend the next four years here without my sons. It'd be nice to see Sarah every day but I can't see her appreciating it; no, I think travelling for a little while is the best idea. The trouble is, I can't find the courage to tell any one that that's what I want to do! Every time I try I find that I can't and it's getting to be a little bit annoying. (Little bit being an understatement.) I don't know what to do about it, I guess eventually a way will present itself just like with everything else in life.

SSS

AN: Thank you's said, a friendship repaired; however there is a good bye to be said- find out who will be leaving in chapter 19 'Fare you well.' 


	19. Fare you well

Chapter 19 - 'Fare you well'

Response to reviewers:

Firstly, thanks to you all for getting me to fifty reviews, as Quina would say 'I so happy!' Lol.

Iifa the divider of souls - Hehe, most questions will be answer. Lol. I think you're right about Vivi.

Lottirebel - travelling Vivi, huh? Lol. Lollypop!

Saffire Raynius - My thanks. I can relate to him too, when you loose something it feels like it's your fault. Pregnant women are scary!

SSS

Alexandria castle seemed to echo with thunder as autumn's might became more apparent, finger like branches raked against ancient windows and trees cast their suspicious silhouettes upon the floor. The wind howled like a child in tears, it's voice growing louder and quieter as it blew the leaves from their perches. Ellisa shuddered, pulling her robe closer into herself as she made her way towards the castle; some work stopped in the more dangerous weather but she was as ever on call. The winds wraiths tugged at her hair, pulling it in front of her face as if trying to make her stumble; birds flapped desperately against this unstoppable force as others gave up and let themselves be carried.

Her robe was soaked, drenched by the winds tears as she walked; but Ellisa loved autumnal weather, she loved most weather as it was just part of life and nature and she appreciated the need for change. Change was what helped to keep the world going, setting everything in a new order so that the next generation would experience something different to the one before it. She soon reached the castle, there was one last thing she had to do before going to dry her clothing, the one thing she had seen coming for a long time.

A slightly abused Tetra master deck lay spread on the floor as the mage sorted through them, being shut in the castle until the storm passed had left him with little else to do; a tap at the door was shortly followed by Ellisa. Without any invitation she sat on the floor opposite him, "You could start waiting for a reply now," He suggested as he chucked a useless fang card to one side. There was no reply from the white mage, her keen turquoise eyes on the cards before drifting up to Vivi's right wrist; he seemed to have recovered from his injury and whatever had led to it. "What's wrong Ellisa? You've really quiet and your eyes are turquoise again."

"I'm just here to tell you that you've recovered enough that I don't need to see you again,"

He took a little while to take this in, looking towards her to gain a smile and a nod in reply. "I won't take it personally if you throw a big party to celebrate that you don't have to see me again." She assured him with a smile, "I've been an awful nag, a pain in your ass and generally not very nice." He set the cards down and moved to her side, wrapping her in a surprisingly tight hug for one so small. She knew from before that he was a lightweight, made of only mist and magic but for the first time she was truly aware of him. His coat felt course against her cheek and he smelt vaguely of mothballs and lavender; for all the coarseness of his coat, his skin was soft. From checking him over, Ellisa also knew that some of the inky black of his skin had small pox marks, so he was clearly not beyond catching normal childhood illnesses.

He let her go, seemingly very nervous, "Thanks Ellisa," He said softly. "For everything," He said no more then that, clearly uncertain of what to say to her. "I know I wasn't easy to deal with, I guess you're more patient then I am."

Ellisa chuckled, "I bet I'm not," She smiled at him. "About four months ago, Dr. Tot told me that I'd have to care for some pathetic weak creature he was bringing into the castle." She told him, head ducked so that he could not see the silvery hint to her eyes that demonstrated the happiness at the reminiscence. "I wasn't happy, I stomped about a bit but I never told Tot I didn't want to do it because it's my job. If I want to follow in his footsteps then I have to do things that I don't want to."

"I first saw this creature when he was unconscious, he cute a pretty pathetic figure lying in a bed that was far too big for him. Tot showed me what it had done to itself and all I could find it in myself to feel was pity."

Politely, Vivi listened without interrupting; he realised that he had put the people around him through a lot. "I hate pity, it's a sickening thing to feel because it's like you feel superior enough to think you're better then the person you feel it for. It was the only emotion I could find." She shook her head, "However, that went pretty quickly, it's hard to feel pity for a stubborn little bastard like that." This drew his eyes to her bowed head but feeling his eyes on her head she did not look up. "I felt like he was blank but one day he spoke to me and that shadow of a voice reply meant everything to me. Slowly, Vivi spoke more to me and after Sarah's birth he even asked me my name."

She finally looked up, her purple eyes locking with his bright yellow ones. "Then I started to see your real personality and I was really glad to see it after dealing with that broody, disdainful little thing."

"I'm not that little,"

Ellisa chuckled slightly, "Just shorter then average," She teased. "Saying that, you'll have a growth spurt and be a lot taller then me soon enough." She smiled at him, "So, I guess this is see you around rather then see you in three days." She stood and he did so too, "Though I'll be certain to see you about, checking up on you, so to speak." She headed for the door, "All there is now is for me to wish you good luck." In a very formal way, she shook his hand once.

Internally, Vivi battled with the things he really wanted to say to Zidane; he felt comfortable talking to Ellisa as she was removed from the situation. "Can I talk to you about something Ellisa?" He queried, hiding his eyes as he looked to his clasped hands. "I'd understand if you said no, all you've ever seemed to do it listen to me." The door closed and Vivi assumed that she had left; he looked up directly into her face as she stooped to look into his eyes.

"It doesn't hurt me to listen,"

He motioned a seat to her and moved to look out of the window, the rain lashed against it. "I really don't know what to say," He admitted. "I've been getting invitations from people to stay with them and I've been offered a place in Tantalus if I wanted it."

"Go for it,"

This had been the last answer the mage had expected and he looked to Ellisa who smiled. "Vivi, if I'd just gone through what you went through then I'd want to do the same." She told him, "Tantalus are a good bunch, you can't go wrong if you went with them and I think going through their initiation will really help you."

"You think … Zidane will let me?"

Ellisa nodded her head vigorously, "He'll be glad I think, he'll be worried sick but he'll get over that." She stood and moved to his side; he could now see that her robe was soaked, the heavy fabric of her hood flattening her severely wet hair to her head. "They'd send you back if something didn't fit, you deserve to have a little adventure."

"Do you think I'll fit in alright?" He asked her softly, leaning onto the windowsill again. "I don't want to be treated like … I don't know … I don't wanna be wrapped in cotton wool."

If he were any other thirteen year old, she would have ruffled his hair. "They'd have to find a lot of cotton wool, Vivi." She teased, "Tantalus don't seem to be the sort of people to do that. I don't think they'd treat you in any special way." Inside she was vowing to write to Cinna to tell him about this conversation; Cinna and she had been pen pals for a long time and they were very good friends, whenever she had been worried, she told him, and vice-versa.

There was a clap of thunder and Ellisa sneezed explosively. "I'd better go and dry off, I'm sure you've got a letter to write." She grinned at him, heading for the door. "Address it to Baku or he won't get it," This said she left, the mage moved back to his Tetra master deck, looking at the colourful cards for a time before moving to his desk with a quill and sheet of parchment.

SSS

Hey Cinna,

Sorry it's been so long, but I've been kinda busy, I'm not sure if he's sent the letter yet, but Vivi wants to join you guys for a while. I told him that you guys wouldn't treat him in any special way so can you try not to make me a liar? For once. He's a good cook, something I know you guys are lacking but he's still a little shaky with his magic at first. Don't treat him specially, I told him you'd all be okay with everything, which may be slightly unfair for me to claim but you know as well as I do that Vivi's a good person, and that the worst stuff always happens to the best people.

You make sure you write back soon, Ellisa.

SSS

AN: Four years in the future, a meeting of great significance, Vivi finally has his 'Light Restored' in the final chapter of Shattered Soul.

Please note, the next chapter may take me a little while, it doesn't quite seem to want to work. 


	20. Light Restored

Shattered Soul

Part C - Restoration

Chapter 20 - Light Restored

Disclaimer - Square Enix owns the characters you recognise, I own the idea and the unrecognisable characters. If you wish to use this fic somewhere then be sure to ask first.

AN: And so here it is, the final Chapter of Shattered Soul

Saffire Raynius - (Blushes furiously and hides behind Vivi's hat) Now Ellisa is an engima that I myself have only just solved! I thought the idea of Vivi having had Chicken pox was cute! Lol. I certainly didn't rush this chapter as it's been the one thing I've had to work towards all along, the other chapters have changed a lot but this had to do some specific things. Ditto on the writing.

Gelendra - Forever is only a measurement, thank you for reviewing. I liked the 'pick one and frag it' line too, it seemed like someone had to say something funny.

Eika - thanks (blushes)

teenyhands - Hehe, thank you.

GemEncrustedEarth - Yes, sorry it's the last chapter now. Thanks very much.

SSS

Four Years Later

Alexandria castle

Crimson gloved hands hastily reached up to adjust a large tan hat, pulling it one way and then the other until it's owner felt that it was in place; before he seemed to realise that it had been right in the first place. From where he was leant against the nearby wall, Zidane grinned slightly at the young man. "You haven't done that in years," He chided of his friend; in the fours years since he had found out about the boys eventual return Vivi had grown considerably, he now stood at roughly Zidane's height and people were not certain that he had stopped growing yet either. Arguably, he was still a little on the stocky side but had lost a lot of the weight he had carried as a child. Zidane, on the other hand, had barely changed at all, save to become more fatherly; the birth of his first child had nipped most of his roguish tendencies in the bud.

Pure yellow eyes looked towards him, sometimes Zidane had to remind himself that Vivi was seventeen now and not a child any more; though, when he considered it, Vivi had never really had a Childs mentality. "I haven't been this nervous in years," Vivi countered, whilst his voice had almost broken he still sounded like himself. "What if they don't remember me?" His anxiety had been growing to some kind of height over the past week at least.

Zidane shot him a quick smile, but the mage had since paced off, "Vivi, you're not the kind of person whose easy to forget," He reassured him. "Trust me, I've tried," He teased, drawing Vivi's eyes. "Mikoto isn't a liar Vivi, they do remember you." The mage started to pace again, and Zidane lent back against the wall.

Small footsteps sounded on the stairs as Sarah bounced down them; she ran to Zidane and hugged him around the legs, "Daddy." She said happily, almost as if she had not only seen him a few hours ago. The option had always been there for Zidane and Garnet to have Sarah cared for by a nanny but it seemed so impersonal; they had chosen to have a daughter and they intended to care for her themselves. "Are boys here yet?" Garnet would have instantly scolded her for not talking properly but Zidane was nowhere near as strict, neither was Vivi, who had been a very key part of her life since he had returned to the castle.

Vivi's desire to talk about his sons had always been varied, dependant on his mood he could either talk about them non-stop or not talk about them for days; sometimes if felt like they were walking on eggshells but Zidane appreciated that his friend was still grieving for what had been in the past, everything would change today. "Not yet," He replied tightly, his voice was still maturing and sometimes it would become higher pitched, something that Sarah would ordinarily find hilarious.

Shortly there was a commotion in the corridor, drawing two sets of blue and one set of yellow eyes to the heavy wooden divider; time seemed to slow down, the doors seemed to take an eternity to open. 288 appeared first, flanked by six near identical figures; he bowed his head slightly to Vivi. "Sorry we're late, Turo decided to find Calan's hat; it took us a while to find it." He apologised, drawing a laugh from on of the Genome's.

The smallest Genome - the only one whose eyes were silvery blue - could bear being apart from his father no longer and rushed to hug him. The feeling was unmistakeable, Vivi knew at once whom he was hugging without being told; he brushed a hand down Valian's hair as he held him tightly, willing himself not to cry because he had already decided that today was not the day for that. The others ran to join their younger brother, clamouring for a joint hug. Not a word was said, for words are all too often fiendishly inadequate; the hugs and the kisses were more then enough.

Nicara pulled away first, turning his yellow eyes on Sarah, "You must be our cousin Sarah," He guessed, his voice still sounded exactly the same as it had four years before. The overwhelmed child could only reply with a nod of her head, her mouth opened in shock, as she looked at all the boys. "My name's Nicara, but everyone calls me Nic, pleased to meet you."

"Helloh Nic,"

The academic smiled in response, "Here, let me introduce you to my brothers," He offered, holding out a hand to her; Sarah took it and Nicara escorted her to where his father stood with the others. "The biggest one, the one nearly as tall as dad, is Calan; we all call him Cal because he doesn't like it, he wants to be a knight just like Steiner when he's big enough." Calan nodded in reply to this introduction, "He usually carries a sword, but Mr. 288 made him leave it for now." Nicara beamed widely at his older brother, "The next one down is Sola, he's a very strong Black mage but he's not so good at anything else," He teased.

Sola tried to look indignant but failed, his smiling eyes ruined the look entirely, "That's a bit unfair Nic, there are some things I'm good at." He did not elaborate but Vivi knew he referred to his popularity with the fairer sex. "Hiya Sarah," He greeted with a traditional flirty smile, the smile was usual for Sola, he had an irrepressible flirtatious nature, much like Zidane's had been in the past.

"If we're working in age order, then Ollan and I -" Nicara gestured his twin as he continued his introductions, " - are next; Ollan makes very good music, but he doesn't talk very much." Ollan bowed his head slightly, but remained silent. "I'm a scholar like Dr. Tot, but nowhere near as clever yet, I know which books are the most fun and exciting."

"Or downright boring," Sarah gave a delighted giggle at this interruption, looking to the Genome who had spoken who grinned in reply. "My name's Turo, and I don't really do anything special," He admitted, making Vivi smile slightly, "I like playing tricks and making people laugh," Now Sarah could place Turo with the hat stealer that 288 had mentioned.

The four year old finally looked to Valian, who stood close to his father holding onto his arm as if he were afraid to let go. "That's Valian Sarah," Zidane introduced as he came up behind her, "He's very shy, like your uncle Vivi was when I first met him and he's a white mage, just like you are." Vivi tried to encourage Valian to take a step forwards but his youngest son refused to let go of him; Zidane chuckled. "He's not letting go in a hurry," The Genome offered with a wink to Vivi and a confident smile to Valian.

"Vali - Vali – Vally!" Sarah tried to say Valian's full name but the three-syllable word proved too complicated for her and so she shortened it; no one else could find it in them to point out that they all shortened his name to Val. She made an 'up' gesture to her father and Zidane picked her up, "All same!" She realised, speaking a little louder then she had to as she looked at the boys. "Like my daddy."

This drew chuckles from most everyone and Nicara smiled at her, "Don't worry Sarah, before we went away we had coloured armbands so people could tell us apart." He told her; as hard as he tried Vivi could not repress the beaming smile on his face, everything seemed to have slipped back into place. "And we're planning on changing our clothes slightly too; Sola intends to dye his hair and tail brown, like yours."

Sarah's eyes widened and she seemed shocked, drawing her tail up and clutching it into her chest so that Sola could not get it; this caused another laugh from the others; Zidane ruffled her hair fondly. "A different shade Sarah," Sola assured her with a wide smile, "I want it really dark like your mum's." He removed his hat and ran a hand through his dusty blond hair, "I can't spend my whole life looking like Cal."

Calan rolled his eyes with a slight shake of his head, playing the role of the put upon eldest brother well. "What colours?" Sarah asked, leaning over in Zidane's arms to poke Valian, who seemed to fascinate her.

The shy little white mage hid his eyes even deeper under the shadow of his hat, "W - well," He stammered, his voice requiring a great deal of attention to hear; listening to him made Zidane realise that Valian was certainly more shy then his father had been. "C - Calan had a red one," He told her, eyes still hidden, of all the boys he was the only one who ever called Calan by his full name. "Sola had black, Ollan purple. T - Turo made Nicara use grey because he thinks books are boring and Turo uses blue. I - I got a green one."

The young child seemed to be deep in thought, her brow wrinkling in contemplation. "Purple's best," She announced at last. "Pretty colour," Ollan smiled slightly as she looked to him, she could clearly already tell them apart. Vivi had never relied on the armbands to tell his sons apart but tended to trust to the magical feeling from them; each one, even the twins and equally skilled Turo and Ollan felt different and Vivi had be relieved to find that this had not changed.

"Off you go boys," He said at last, "I know you all have people you want to see again," There was a delighted chorus of 'thank you's' as most of the boys left, they had people to speak to after four years. Just as he was about to head out, Vivi managed to grab Sola by the arm. "I had a visit from a friend of yours," Vivi said, which caused Sola to hide his eyes guiltily. "Ferellia said to tell you that she's working with Ruby." Sola let out a relieved sigh and Vivi wondered briefly what secrets the flirtatious mage was hiding; he had been in Alexandria less then an hour and already he was hiding secrets, internally Vivi laughed, things were definitely back to normal.

The steely grip remained on his arm and Vivi looked down at his youngest son with a very fond smile, "You can let go now Val, I'm not going anywhere," Vivi assured him softly, dropping to his level so that he could stroke his cheek quickly. He extricated himself from the snug grip, patting Valian on the head as he stood strait again. "Your cousin if not going to bite you Val," He gently pat Valian on the bum to push him forwards as Zidane let Sarah down.

Made of all bounce and spring, Sarah moved to Valian's side and looked up under his hat and into his eyes. "Pretty blue," She said with a smile, poking his nose with one finger. "You've got pretty eyes, like mine." Vivi chuckled a little, Sarah's lack of modesty was only because she was a child; the mage did not doubt that Garnet's nature would eventually become clear in her. "So blue,"

"I - it's because I'm … a white mage, whereas the others are … Black Mages," He offered in a very soft voice, hiding his eyes again. "I - if you look at Calan closely, you can see that his are more blue then yellow because his strongest magic is Fira."

"They looked yellow to me," Sarah insisted stubbornly, and Valian looked desperately to Vivi, unsure of what to do. Valian and his brothers had never dealt with a child of Sarah's age; Valian had been created with the mental age of a four year old but had acted in a completely different way to the rambunctious and normal Sarah.

Vivi moved forwards and the four year old bounced up and down near to him, asking to be picked up without using words; bowing to her demand, he soon held her in his arms. "If you look very closely at Calan later Sarah, you'll see that his eyes seem yellow but they're actually quite blue too. Even Sola has some blue in his eyes if you look very deeply."

This comment caused her to look very deeply into his eyes for a long time, her little nose wrinkling as if she was trying to find something buried deeply in Vivi's soul; the mage fought the urge to close his eyes, he disliked locking eyes with people. "Yours aren't," She announced at last, "All yellow, not even a little black spot in the middle."

Zidane chuckled and looked to Vivi, who looked back for a moment, "No, but I'm not a Genome am I?" Vivi asked her.

"I don't know,"

"Sarah, Genome's have tails," With this, he playfully tugged hers.

Vivi let her down again, and she moved to Valian's side again, they could all see her utter enchantment with the youngest mage. "Let's go play!" She insisted, pulling on his arm; his blue eyes widened and he looked to Vivi, who jerked his head in the direction of the door. The white mage yielded to Sarah's tugs and she pulled him from the room.

"Heh, why is it they remind me of you and Eiko?" Zidane queried with a smile as he moved to Vivi's side. 288, who had remained a passive bystander in the reunion moved to join them both. "How are you and my little sister doing then 288?" The Genome queried of the erstwhile C type mage, who seemed to blush slightly.

"Well enough I believe," The other Genome offered vaguely, causing Zidane's smile to become more mischievous. Zidane and Vivi had spoken a few days past about how well 288 and Mikoto seemed to get on, and Zidane had started to wonder about cousins for Sarah, which had made Vivi shake his head out of exasperation.

"Didn't she want to come see her big brother?"

"She has been very busy,"

Zidane took him by the elbow, and grabbed Vivi by his too. "Well we can't stand here all day; we've been here near enough all morning anyway." He steered them both towards the main hall. A white robed figure watched them leave before it emerged from the shadows; her unhurried pace matching the route Valian and Sarah had taken, one day Ellisa would be a master healer and every master needed an apprentice.

SSS

'Life and those kind of things always have these funny little ways of working themselves out; somehow things seem to slip back into place. Everything just seems to be right again; it was as if Death admitted he had made a mistake in taking Vivi's sons and was willing to confess it by giving them back again. It's affected the whole castle, it's corridors now seem energised as music plays with it merging with Sarah's delighted laughter. I think things are going to be radically different here from now on, not different in a bad way, infact it may be best to say right instead of different. Everything is ordered again and I shall never again have to sit with a broken teenager.'

SSS

END!

AN: But not the end really as I have it's follow ups ready to be written, typed and pawed over.

To all of you who are wondering, there is a fic that fits between chapters 19 and 20 and it's first chapter is sitting in written form besides me but I can't seem to find the motivation to type it up.

Now, part two of this arc is partily written, the plot needs tweaking and part three is not really an idea yet just a series of dialogues; however, part three does finally explain Ellisa a little bit!

I must thank you all for reviewing, it is your kind words that have helped me to continue on.

Please leave a review, I know it seems pointless in a finished work but as stated this is more a starting point then anything else. This is your chance to offer theories, ideas, criticisms and questions; any queries will be answered via email so make sure you leave a contact address if you are asking a question.

Finally, I very much hoped you enjoyed this, at times it seemed like I couldn't keep going but I'm glad that I did.

Anyway, until next time (Which may be some time away).

Pilotslover 


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